There you are,feeling so beholden that you just made it out the door that morning with two six month olds,your mission of the day to buy a whole ton of stuff you never even knew existed before motherdom. Sounds simple beyond belief,right?Just put one foot down after the other,yes? In theory no sweat but when you equate in a double pram that seems to have the gravitational pull of an unnamed heavenly body upon all and sundry within a two kilometre radius,the whole experience can become quite sublime."Twins...look twins."I would hear bellowed,I could almost imagine a man,wearing a red cape,gleefully ringing a bell and singing out "Hear Ye!Hear Ye!Foreign twin mummy approaching. Everyone into positions".People would actually stand in front of me to block my progress and gawp. "Twins?"they'd stammer and I'd push down the retort,'No triplets actually but I left the other one at home'."How old are they?""Six months."More peering down into the pram."And how old is the one in the back?"Clearing my throat,"Well,they're twins so the one in the back is six months old too!"
Sadly,the gravitational pull seemed to have performed a natural lobotomy on a few unfortunate others. "They don't look like twins!" pointing at my two six month old diamonds."What's wrong with the one in the back?He doesn't have any hair..unlike the one in the front".I even had one lady trying to argue with me while we waited at a set of traffic lights that my fraternal twins must be identical as they looked identical.....chubby Bat Boy Baby in his blue outfit with Elvis Presley hair and tiny doll Bat Girl Baby snuggled in pink in the back,as bald as Phil Collins.I remember quite vividly one day,nearly in tears with frustration as about fifteen woman swirled all cooing around the pram,mobile phones hanging out trying to take pictures of the three of us. As every twin mum can tell you,The comments can be shocking and at times,incredibly insensitive.
There was a time when I played,somewhat seriously with the idea of installing a tannoy system on the pram.Even record a 'pilot' of an announcement 'Yes,they are twins.Naturally conceived.In the back is my little girl born at 2684g and in the front my little boy born at 3200g by C-section.They have the same father and I am sorry I don't remember which sexual position was used but I ate a lot of tofu and yogurt if that helps.Annnnd I feel very blessed to have them in my life'.I used to see movie stars on TV bemoaning the press and strangers intruding on their personal lives."Hey!Stop complaining."I 'd shout at the screen,"At least you get paid heaps to endure it". And throwing a soiled nappy to console myself a little more.
Bat Boy and Bat Girl are the ripe old age of six and it's been a while since we've had the same level of commotion on an outing...until today."Oh hi,"beamed this man from nowhere in the shopping centre today,"You must be the twins ' mum?" Before I could even open my mouth to form a reply."Oh yes! I am a cleaner at the school your kids go to."About seven people now milling around us,rubbing Bat Boy's and Bat girl's head much to their obvious annoyance.Man bending down to The Booby Slayer in the pram."What's it like being a sister to twins."Turning to me,"I was really astonished that the twins have totally separate personalities,"he gushes to me,"I always thought twins had the same personality,"quickly turning to Bat Boy,"Can you read each other's thoughts?"The silence feels like a giant block of lead and one,judging by the slow expression of utter scorn about to break out on Bat Boy's face,one that might just pulverise this man's knowledgeable smirk unless I intervene."No he can't,"interjects Bat Girl as I twirl to face her,mortified at what was coming next.."But we can fart and burb at the same time!"All three kids burst into giggles as the adults stand,on two different sides of bewilderment. Laughing the man,"I read that twins have a great sense of humour too!" as I feel the sudden to urge to plonk him one.
"Right!Must be going,"I apologise,"It's been fun meeting you."We wave goodbye and walk off."I can read your mind,"hisses Bat Boy to Bat Girl."No you can't,"hisses Bat Girl back."Yes,I can!" sneers Bat Boy."If you say that again,I am going to fart you to death."shouts Bat Girl.After admonishing them both,I am grateful that we are probably the only ones in the area who fully understand the implications of 'being farted to death'.
No comments:
Post a Comment