My Son, Champion to This Planet...For A Moment Anyway.

I answered the phone with a jaunty salutation in English, expecting a very welcome call from England.  My exuberance was met with static indifference.  As I let another greeting loose, I heard a throat being cleared and then a voice with a heavy Japanese accent.  "Good afternoon! What do you do?"  My mind, originally geared up for at least an hour`s worth of  entertaining`catch up` gossip and scandal, backfired then temporarily stalled for a micro second. "I am sorry," I enquired," Who is this? Who is calling,please?"  Another impressive clearing of larynx then.  "This is Mr Watanabe from Suginami Elementary School. What do you do?"  AS soon as my son`s school is mentioned, my heart somersaults up into my mouth and I grab my handbag off a nearby shelf.  "Good afternoon, Mr Watanabe. Has anything happened? Is Batboy okay?" I sense the depth of his unspoken bow down transmitted down through cable.  "Sorry to bother. He is vegetal...," followed by more `umming` sounds, a mere background tinkling compared to the raging hubbub of thoughts and terrifying scenarios flicking through my mind like a torturous slide show.  Batboy on the ground.  Copious amounts of red stuff oozing from Batboy`s head.  Paramedics.  Hospitals with machines blinking.  Nurses screaming "Stand back" as paddles are applied to small chests.  Batboy calls for `Mummy` unheard and floating up towards the heavens like.....the heavens.  Tremulously,I search for the right words in Japanese but they prove elusive in my mounting panic.  I take a deep breath.  "Do you mean `vegetable`,Mr Watanabe?....Could you please tell me exactly what has happened?"  That basic Mummy skill, of being able to adroitly complete almost any required task with one hand, and pram is out laden down with a most indignant Booby Slayer threatening meltdown status.  I hand over a prized choccie biscuit to ward off the storm clouds.  "Yeah...yeah...vegetables.That`s right," he counters, assuaged that a common ground of comprehension has been scaled,"He is a vegetable. The school　doesn`t know he is a vegetable and today was problemo!" I cup my mouth to stifle the hysterical laughter yearning to burst out from within, drenched with relief, I let the Booby Slayer celebrate with another choccie biscuit. Unfortunately, the wine bottle is just out of my grasp.  "I really appreciate you calling me, Mr Watanabe and speaking in English.  Would you mind repeating it in Japanese for me?" Apparently, Batboy had refused to eat any meat or fish served at school dinner that day, stating now he was a stoic vegetarian.  Batboy had delivered a stern rebuke to the poor sod who had the misfortune that day to be dishing out the grub, on the ethics or lack of whaling and a bit thrown in about polar bears to spice things up.  I apologised for any inconvenience caused and expressed my own surprise upon hearing this startling bit of news.

Batboy, followed shortly by Batgirl came home.  Nothing amiss.  No fanfare of trumpets with weighty announcements.  Nothing.  Later that evening as I served up BLTs with avocado salad, Batboy warily eyed his and asked. "Mummy! Is bacon meat?" Pausing to contemplate how this life defining subject should be best broached, Batgirl jumped in there with a huge squirt of tomato ketchup before me.  "It`s from a pig! Isn`t it,Mummy? Batboy wouldn`t eat any meat or fish at school today,Mummy! Yeah,Batboy?" and turned her large doe eyes onto Batboy, who only continued to suspiciously prod and poke at any protruding meat.  "Yeah...well...Mummy.On Children`s Discovery Channel yesterday,I watched a programme about whales and polar bears,Mummy....."Little tears peeked out shyly from the corner of his eyes as he continued," ...yeah,Mummy...and....and...yeah...there aren`t a lot of whales and...and polar bears left in the world....Are there,Mummy?" Looking deeply into my small boy`s concerned eyes, all I want to do is leap over the dining table and give him a huge hug.  Just as I was about to, Batgirl chimes up. "But Batboy! There are lots of piggies in the world.  Aren`t there,Mummy?"  To which I nod.  "Lots and lots of piggies," she emphasises with wide circling gestures," Too many maybe." As I was about to extol my son on his kindness and concern for certain wildlife species, he grabs the sandwich.  "Okay," he shrugs, rolling eye to the heavens, "If there are that many piggies, it won`t hurt to eat half" and takes a ginormous bite spraying mayonnaise and lettuce............