......in the summertime,on the beach that is.And from an earlier life filled with the frivolity and debauchery of youth, a few of my friends back home will testify to grabbing a drunken me off various tables in assorted bars at a strategic juncture.I used to revel in my nakedness. When I was a child,my parents used to take us to Cornwall camping for summer.We loved it.Sand,sea,heat.Early one morn,we ventured onto a new yet undiscovered beach zone.Mum and Dad shook out the blankets,while I and my siblings marauded the nearby sand dunes,water pistols slipped into beachwear bottoms.After an hour,we found something a lot more entertaining and challenging to shoot at than each other. Unbeknown to our parents,we'd camped base on a nudist beach.Probably the only one sanctioned in the UK at that time.I can still vividly remember our squeals of delight every time some man keeled over in shock at a jet of water suddenly drenching his goolies. No mean feat,I can tell you.Those things can swing when playing a game of beach softball. Unfortunately,our merriment was abruptly curtailed by my red faced father,dragging us off to a more 'family friendly' area.
Here I am full circle.A parent myself.I'd swore I'd do 'triangles' or something a bit more exotic like 'octogens' but no,I find myself pausing a second to look at my life and then I realise,I've come about full circle. Onsens (Japanese hot springs) mortify me.I had images of genteel female beings,submerged in water up to graceful necks,steam caressing tendrils of hair,hair artfully piled up over serene faces,as traditional shamisen music ushered in a cool breeze.The actual reality of walking into the onsen only to see a group of old women,hunched over scrubbing at their crotches and armpits furiously left me screaming for the exit in seconds.Where has all that 'devil may care' attitude gone?Supplies of which were abundant in my youth?
Now here I am,researching swimsuits or rather,exactly what I am going to wear at the pool this year. Three knots in a piece of fancy twine seems to be this year's hot trend."Mummy!What about this one,"sings my eldest daughter holding up what looks like a midget's jock strap with braces"It'll look beautiful on you." Oh bless her. Oh yes,I can just imagine. Any sudden movement could cause the Booby Twins to be pushed out into the centre and up to my throat,probably crushing my windpipe.On a machine in a vegetative state as brain was starved of oxygen for so many minutes due to trachea trauma for the next twenty. Or even worse case scenario,the Twin Boobies through sheer velocity are pushed out under either side of the five centimetres straps into my armpit area,taking out any unsuspecting swimmers within a one foot distance.There I am, on death row charged with attempted murder.I could even end up sobbing my innocence on a Discovery Channel's programme entitled "Women That Kill".And that's only if the thong part doesn't penetrate any of my major arteries while I am swinging around on one foot,swearing under my breath,trying to get the contraption on.
" Now this one is lovely,"daughter coos.Holding up a tiny frilly skirt with what looks like a headband hanging above it.........
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