It's a Conspiracy.

And no,it isn't the heat getting to me....even though it is.The shoes are at it again.The ones that I am actually able to buy in my size,at a whopping ogre of 26.5 that is.And by 'at it' I don't mean having loud,multi orgasmic sexual liaisons transforming my genkan (japanese porch) into a carbon copy of Imelda Marcos's walk in shoesRus.Shoes and I seem to rub each other up the wrong way,leaving me grasping for the nearest Ampanman band aid. There was the time,when the twins were small,I was on double diaper duty.To save time and my poor nasal orifices I threw the sweet smelling little bum parcels onto the landing ,only to hear the little stink bombs ab sail down the stairs.No problem,I just picked them up from the genkan a while later.Next morning,there I am,seizing the day,door open,double pram loaded up,friend waiting.As soon as I squeezed my foot into the shoe,I knew the day had gone pear shaped.Or it might have even been a sarcastic love heart shape,a wide gamut of browns lounging in the heel,that instant recognisable pong of Eau de la L'Enfant Bum Bum Bouquet.I could hear my sock screaming as brown molecules began to fuse with fibre.Before I had even had the time to gather myself and act,a shadow fell and my friend gestured for us to get going.My foot hovered for a fraction of a second.The logical thing would have been to make a joke,change sock and shoe but I was a first time mummy of only nine months or so. I hadn't yet experienced  the gauntlet of unfathomable occurrences that would leave a seasoned matriarch unfazed. These days,I'd cackle with glee.Hold the little blighter up and shout for the neighbourhood "AWOL poo!" while my mums in solidarity would nod,laughing at the memory of their own AWOL poo experiences.That day,I was humiliated, my mind raced concocting a whole trilogy of explanations."Oh that little lump?Yes,it's new homeopathic cure for Athlete's Foot,you know?" or "Damn! Look I've gone and stood on our new bug repellent.Oh...you've never heard of ExTurdinate? A death sentence  for bugs but totally safe for the kids.I can highly recommend it"I can still recall vividly the protests of sock as foot slid into shoe and that was me for an hour or so.

The average life span of a pair of my shoes is weeks.They split,break,rupture,end up stinking so bad that a date with doctor garbage is their only salvation, and rip the skin off my toes with malicious glee.When I've been bothered to return shoes,the sales clerks,in all continents,eyed me warily as a possible heel.
 
And here we were today.The morning school drop off.Torrential rain.Out come my new tartan design just under the knee rain boots.Co-ordinated with my red poncho,I reckon I cut a dashing figure before 8am. We're on time and cruising.E.T.A 10 minutes to the drop off point,my left sock suddenly feels wet.Well drenched actually and as I lift my foot to investigate,half of the sole flops down.Like some damsel in a the hero's arms from a black and white."Bugger!"I shout out."Bugger!" gurgles The Booby Slayer back in the pram.Remind me to invent a soundproof rain cover when I have time.I manage to make it to the drop off zone by sliding one foot along the ground.Call me Quasimodo but in Japan,my shoe size is far from sub standard.I turn the pram against the tide of begruntled adolescents,skulking along to school,all of whom have instantly spotted the only foreigner and are gawking.Gawking just as my boot utters it's death rattle and the entire sole detaches from the boot,collapsing ,tartan insole and all,into a puddle.A few bubbles rise to the surface and then nothing.Nothing which is now what is separating my foot,apart from a shell shocked sock,from tarmac.I continued to slide my foot as any kind of upward movement would give the boot free reign to slide down my calf and off onto the road in some kind of suicide pact.Never have the words "Stiff upper lip" rung so true in my head.I put my head down and slid all the way home.No brownie points for guessing what half of the local high school kids were talking about today!

Now if it had been the AWOL poo poo,I could have flicked it at them.......