Saturday.........Shag Night.

Saturday is shag night in our house.I could use words like 'the time when we become as one throbbing soul,our spirits soaring high up with a bunch of whatyoumacallit birds'.....okay.... 'doves,as waves crash thunderously up on a beach and fireworks splatter the twilight sky with a million glittering stars' but since our three diamonds entered our lives,it's been more about windows of opportunity and logistics rather than ambiance.The nitty gritty.Unfortunately,windows of opportunity appear to have become as rare as a Yeti sighting in Tokyo so we decided to carve out in stone that one night be designated 'Shag Night'. I wanted to name it "Mr  Eel Visits the Cave' in honour of the Japanese movie 'Sayuri' but hubby likes the British expression 'shag'.So I deferred graciously.

Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing  hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa".  (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.

Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and  stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.

I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.

Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one  calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....

"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"