The weekend is here

I woke up humming,an occasional and most welcome breeze whirling the curtains up into the air, suddenly saturating half the room with glorious sunshine.I stretch lazily.I love Saturday mornings before I go to work.It's the one morning of the week that hubby gets to eat breakfast with his clan.Hubby and I are like ships in the night.Mine equipped with one huge foghorn.Down the stairs I leap to find Bat Boy crying in the kitchen."Hungry.sweetie?"I coo,tussling his hair as he automatically moves to swipe my hand away. Hugging his head against my thigh,I half drag him over to the kitchen counter where the multi-tasking auto mummy pilot kicks into gear as I 'oh dear' and 'Don't worry,darling' my sweet one while putting on the kettle,frying pan on another ring,throwing bread at the toaster and reaching for the fridge door handle.I remember gushing to a friend when the twins were only four months old that I couldn't wait for them to start talking.Oh,the joy to hear their tiny tinkling voices.To sit and weigh the mighty conundrums of this and other worlds.My friend sat in silence only smiling and nodding at me,as is the case with mothers of older kids sat listening to a naive first mummy's delusional ramblings of   future family life.Six years on,the only way I can get a moments peace from the incessant synchronised banter of my three offspring,is to beat a hurried retreat to the toilet. The toilet....that last bastion of sanity where I sit,knickers round my ankles, a pious tribute to this hallowed room,head leant on the wooden door,bobbing up and down occasionally with the force of The Booby Slayer's fists pounding on the other side."How dare you take thirty seconds out to take a pee pee!A truly professional Mummy would have had a catheter attached after my birth."As all nature and wildlife adapts to new surroundings  so have I.Along this exhilarating path of parentdom,my mummy metamorphosis is not to be scoffed at.I can now boast an enviable myriad of talents from astounding multi-tasking skills to telepathy. Also most worthy of a mention and pertinent to today's musings is the 'gabble filter'.Listening to three kids,babbling away at the same time constantly throughout the day is a wee bit tedious on the few braincells that are hanging on in there.To overcome this rather formidable daily task,my mummy mind,over time,developed a kind of filter that enables mummy to 'listen' to the spoken word but home in on 'key words' and react appropriately.And so today's tale begins to unfold as the words 'crayfish' and 'gone' made their way through my ear canals setting off a series of reactions throughout my brain.I stopped beating the eggs and asked."What do you mean?" to my son,his head upturned,little crystals balanced on the corners of either eye."Charlie's escaped!"he shrieked,as the theme tune to 'Jaws' started up,I stared into an empty Charlie less tank and a camera in my mind did a Rod Steiger close up. How could this be?The crayfish was gone.With disbelief I grab a long chopstick and whirl it around the tank.No.Nothing.No.....the cat has been out all night and I don't think the goldfish have it in them to gang up and barbecue Charlie.I left the tank on the table because it's cooler there at night.Glancing at the wide expanse of lino on the kitchen floor,my back pressed against a cupboard.How far can a crayfish get?The crayfish.The scary thing that lives in the tank is now scary thing loose in the house.Notch up the scary meter.Bat Boy,joined later by Bat Girl and The Booby Slayer looked high and low for Charlie.Fatso the cat was getting rather heated up at not being immediately led inside to his normal table for breakfast that morning.Dirty feline looks rained in from outside the patio door.I was thinking about letting him in and asking him to be a tracker as I bent down and picked up one of Booby Slayer's boots.I felt something hard and clammy clamp down on my finger.Screaming and pulling my hand out,Charlie made his first greetings of the morn."Put him down gently,Mummy"advised Bat Boy.Resisting the urge to shake the mini monster off,I continued screaming instead as it made me feel better.The kids,thinking if you can't beat them join them,did just that......in between giggles,as I ran round the table feverishly trying to think of a way to get Charlie to let go of my fingers.One where we both come out alive anyway."What the hell is going on?"Hubby suddenly thundered into the room.I stood motionless,one hand in the air with a Charlie hanging off a finger."What are you doing with that crayfish,"he sighed deftly plucking the crustacean rather rudely off my digit causing me to cry out in pain."They're not like hamsters,you know,"he continues,"You just can't take them out and pet them."

I relish the commute to work and lose myself in the latest book.I arrive at work to see the office girl racing around manically and manage to convince her that it is okay for me to do my own photocopying.In the middle of this task,my Korean friend arrives and begins to chronicle with great relish,a rather amusing tale from the previous evening.As we burst into giggles,I suddenly feel something hit my foot.The pain is sudden and agonising.Looking down,my friend still giggling and unaware that anything has happened,to my horror I see a pair of scissors protruding in an upright position from my shoe.Bending down,one scissor blade has slipped between two toes and embedded itself in the sole of my sandal,the other was stuck in a toe.Starting to feel queasy,I grab a corner of a nearby table."Are you okay?"friend asks,gasping when she spies my foot and the scissors."Don't touch it,"she advises,"I used to be a nurse..."as I yank the blade out of my petrified toe who immediately begins to weep tears of blood....copious amounts of blood spilling out over the pale office carpet."Oh.."sighs my friend who then promptly faints and collapses over my back,hitting her head on a filing cabinet and falling to the floor.Another member of staff races over,dodging for a split second on who to assist first,The comatose one on the floor or the other one whose foot is gushing blood all over.The office girl,already at her wits end at half eight in the morning,yelps as she enters the room,surveys the scene and has to be helped into a nearby chair.

I  now have a delightful bandage on my finger and a huge one on my toe.......and it's only 9am..........

Another Glorious Scorcher."It's bloody boiling!"

Woke up marinating in my own brine as the fan had broken sometime during the night. I mean please don't get me wrong,I love the dawning of each new day..challenges to be met...all those possibilities abound.I am totally into the concept of seizing the morning by it's balls.It's just that on seriously hot days like this my motivation melts along with my make up as I  apply it.I read in a recent article that some folk return home to feverishly stock up on beloved items such as olive oil and mountain boots.I'd give my eye teeth for an effective deodorant-as I sit here ardently digging out the last remnants from the bottom of the men's 'Speed Stick' and rubbing the teaspoon with it's precious cargo across either armpits.My son,who has come to know a little of my personality the last six years,watches on nonchalantly before taking a deep breath and asking."Mummy?Why is there a golden sticker on my apple slice?"With a huge jarring motion,number one brain cog starts it's first 360 degree revolution of the day."Well!You did all your chores very well this morning.It means 'Good job'." I smoothly reply.He looks down,eyebrows creased as he studies."Doesn't 'good' start with a 'g' as in 'girl'?"he chirps back,"This is 'd...e....l' space then a 'm....o....n....t..."I smile my best motherly smile,"Oh,that's 'Good job' in another language.French,I think"and pour another cup of tea for everyone from our newly acquired family teapot."I've got one too!"teases daughter from across the table."The same letters!"

 The pram was loaded up with swimming gear,enough spare changes of clothes for every imaginable scenario known to motherhood,like missiles we were ready to unleash ourselves upon the poor sods who also inhabit this great city when the oh so mummily mundane thing happened..we'd forgotten something.

Or rather someone. Our summer guest.The primary school's crayfish.A rather spooky looking thing thrust upon me without warning and under duress.I like furry things.Little things that squeak and have beady little eyes that look lovingly at you when they want grub. I don't know what alerted me to 'his' plight.The circling buzzards or the cat sat salivating next to the cooker,a pan of oil sizzling,bowl of breadcrumbs,plate of mayo and lettuce nearby.Charlie the Killer Crayfish's cell was most decidedly grubby.Knowing absolutely nothing about how to look after this creature,I am paranoid at the thought of returning home to find it deceased.Up in the great crayfish heaven in the sky.Plus my son,Bat Boy would be devastated......even if he did enjoy Charlie served up later as tempura.By the time we'd 'reformed' Charlie's home much to the chagrin of the feline in the family,time,the morning and the temperature were marching on.

Whizzing down the street,determined to meet up with friends in Kichijoji,I waltz into a convenience store to stock up on water."Bloody boiling today,isn't it?"shouts out the cashier gaily.I do a double take,mouth hanging open in surprise,firstly at the greeting perfect British English and then the lovely young lady's Asian face that smiles at me."You are British,right?"she asks,"I lived in England for ten years.I recognise your accent!"Still in shock,I turn to look at her work colleague who shrugs his shoulders and utters "Eigo wakaranai!"(I don't understand English)"I am sorry,"I stutter,"I was just really surprised to hear you! I haven't heard the words 'Bloody boiling' for such a long time!" She laughs and extends her hand."My name is Kaori.Nice to meet you!"After wiping my sweaty palm surreptitiously down my top,we exchange introductions. "It's really nice to meet someone from England,"Kaori gushes,"All the foreigners seem to be mostly American or Australian." I laugh as the shop doors open and my Japanese friend walks in."Oh Sammysan! I thought it was you!"to my children,"Hello!How are you all today?"I introduce my friend to Kaori and we banter a while."Yuka lived in England for a while too,didn't you Yukasan?.......Her husband is French and they have children.We're going on a play date to Kichijoji today...."To which my son leaps forward and shouts"Del Monte!Del Monte!" at the top of his voice much to every one's surprise."Auntie Yuka?Do you know what 'Del Monte' means in French?"