Becoming a CEO Isn`t As Easy As It Looks!

" Big,fat and furry!" The Booby Slayer enunciates slowly, accompanied by large sweeping gestures of her wee hands. The teacher, catching my eye makes shrugging motions and in Japanese. "I am sorry but I not sure what`s she talking about!"

"Our cat!" sighs Little Booby Slayer in frustration and Japanese. As we exited the daycare centre. "It`s about time they started doing a bit more English in there,Mummy." Huge, beautiful lakes of light brown stare in annoyance into my heavily Maybellined doors to the soul.

"Yes, I know,darling but it`s a Japanese daycare. They `do` Japanese. It`s a real gift for you to be able to speak different languages." I gently reply, giving the little hand a loving squeeze.

"But,Mummy!" Booby Slayer protests," Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sounds so poo poo in Japanese!"

I am working on it,lovie. Mummy trudged miles today, posting leaflets through all shapes and sizes of postboxes. Still no grabbers. Of the English lingo classes, that is.

"Come back and work for us full-time,"  My manager in the Big Company purred," Lots of perks!"

Yeah...I have no doubt about the perks. It`s just that scanning down the list, perk No 5, an office view  from the thirtieth something floor of Tokyo Bay...so close to the bay that I could hang out a rod and catch my dinner.....leaves me shivering in dread rather than delight. Maybe this is the Big Company`s new agenda on early retirement. Send the workers they don`t like out there just in case there`s another Big One with a tsunami encore. I didn`t vocalise this as not many people are `in tune` with my sense of humour.

Hubby already works quite a distance away. I don`t know. Call me a wuss but I want to be near the kids. We are still experiencing aftershocks. I want to be able to get to the kids quickly if.....touching wood here....anything else happens in Tokyo. I got a lot of classes in this great little place down the road. Now I am trying to drum up some students for my home classes. It`s akin to pulling teeth.And....if I cannot prove to the lovely folks down at the city office next month that teeth have indeedy been pulled, varnished and currently displayed on my trophy wall, they just might revoke my daycare.

" I think if we work together," beams Booby Slayer up at me," We can crack it!"

Keep positive in life.....and extend the net. Just not over Tokyo Bay.

Racing to the Beat of the Drum.....

.....again. He must have timed his summer hols with ours. Lovely waking up of a morn and sauntering down stairs to a leisurely breakfast...well, in between the food fights and normal sibling warfare that is part and parcel of family life that is.....cruising out to the pools for an all day dip. Now he`s back. In the corner. Beating away on his drum most heartily with that stupid grin on his face. Where are the darts? And his bloody loincloth looks like it hasn`t been washed a while too. "Shut up!" I screech," I am going as fast as I bloody can!" 

" Mummy! Will you please stop shouting at the wall! " Bat Boy wailed, rolling eyeballs up in an enviable Exorcist movement, "No wonder everyone thinks you are bloody weird!"

"Stop swearing!" I admonish.

"Why?" Bat Boy counters, " You are always bloody swearing!"

"No, I bloo...blo..antly don`t!" I stammer back.

"Chill out,Mummy." smiles three year old The Booby Slayer.

"Yeah...chill out,Mumsy," adds Bat Girl," The world ain`t going to end if our bento is burnt!"

"When I feel stressed, I like to play with my willy," interjects Bat Boy.

"Thanks for sharing,love." I grin, somewhat forcibly." But we didn`t need to know that."

The drum beat notches up as I text hubby ` Your son is talking about willy sports in public again. Fatherly chat required tonight. Thank you`. Oh bloody hell, I can smell something burning.

"Bloody hell," shouts out Bat Girl," The pizza for our lunch box is on fire....again, Mummy!"

The drum beat fills my ears as I feel the house lurch and the smell of the sea assaults my nostrils.

"Coming!" I cry out, sounding like Alpha Dalek from Dr Who.

" I am feeling a bit stressed,Mummy!" cries The Booby Slayer." Can I play with  Bat Boy`s willy?"

"No, you can`t!" I firmly reply while attempting to put out the pizza bonfire....


    

Shaking and Baking in Tokyo.

No wrath like a woman scorned as  people are learning, with most dire and tragic consequences this year. Mother Nature flexed her perfectly manicured nails over the Pacific and another quake shook the north east of Japan Sunday morning.

There we were, buzzing along of a morn and then the house started it`s oh too familiar shaking. The trees outside started doing their version of `Thriller`, the water in the pool rippled as sunbeams glinted across it`s surface. Windows rattled as did my children's nerves.

On the days you wake up and don`t immediately wonder if another one will strike, it does.

However, I  must admit to becoming a tad wee blase to them recently. Make no mistake. The whole shaky shaky thingie terrifies me. It`s just that we`ve had so many aftershocks over magnitude 5 or 6, you get used to them.

I have 30 bottles of mineral water, non-sparkling, in strategic spots around my house. Bags filled with tinned grub and crackers hang on both floors. One sac used to be full of cans of beer but we drank them all to calm our nerves many a yonder ago.

I vividly remember one lunchtime. Sat with three Japanese mummy friends as the walls and windows started to rattle. Alarms rang on all four phones.

"No problem!" announced my friend," It`s only a 5."  To which, fears allayed we all resumed drinking and chatting as lamps and pictures swayed.

"More tea anyone?" I asked, brushing the light switch cord away from my face as it swung too and fro.......

You Look Radiated, My Dear!

It`s that time of year again. I`ve only been outside on the balcony a mere five minutes and can smell scalp hair singeing in the morning sun. Still....suppose it beats stinky armpits on the old pongometre. With all the austerity measures regarding electricity being `voluntarily` enforced, I`ll be reeking around Tokyo for the next few months. But I am not alone. Major companies have temporarily revised working hours and holidays, in order to conserve electricity. Train lines have reduced their schedules. I even heard that top ranking politicians are relinquishing airconditioning in their limousines.

"Well,Jubai!" I enquire of the cat, conked out in the shade," What`s in store for us today?" I tend to talk to the cat.....and answer back for him, as he can`t seem to organise a coherent reply in any lingo recognisable to me.

Mercifully, this time of year is `pool season` in Japan. All the preschools and schools have pools, much to the delight of the kids.The `super` pools open next weekend which is causing ripples of excitement amongst my mates and I but...... March the 11th still hovers even as far away as Tokyo. The Dai Ichi nuclear plant in Fukushima is still rather poorly and is leaking various obnoxious substances, some invisible to the human eye, out into the surrounding environment. Out in the stores, in dim lighting, you can see folk squinting over Kanji and checking out the origin of that harmless looking potatoe or cucumber,languishing innocently in a palm. I`ve taken to ordering veg directly from a farmer in Kyushu.

The fish is....well...rather `fishy` at the moment and certain types are just off the menu. Same goes for meat, some is `dicey`, some okay depending on the region. Infact, certain folk think it is better to risk eating products from China than homegrown produce in Japan. What`s a bit of food poisoning next to thyroid cancer.

You can check the radiation levels in the air and tap water on websites every morning. Now the schools very kindly issue regular bulletins on the condition of the water in the school pool.  It`s a gradual thing. A lifestyle that we`ve slowly acclimatized to.

Cesium,Thorium and other scary sounding substances with names I can`t remember let alone pronounce, banter around on everyone`s lips.I can imagine the talk at the poolside,this summer.

Mummy A. "Did you check the water levels on the billboard at the entrance?"

Mummy B. "Yes! All within the government`s revised safety guidelines.!"

Collective sigh of relief, as vigorous rubbing of sunscreen resumes on small limbs.

Mummy C. " Damn....I forgot!" Pulling out a calculator and consulting a chart.

Everyone in chorus. "What`s wrong?"

Mummy C. "I forgot. Little Hiro has a dental xray scheduled tomorrow. So...." More tapping on calculator," Today, we watched TV. That`s 1 mrem. He already has one crown...so plus 0.1 mrem....plus the spinach we ate this morning.........one Xray is 1mrem.......Minus that from the yearly average of 360mrem....." As we all watch on in awe,"Oh...okay. No problem. He can stay in the pool today!"

Another Glorious Scorcher."It's bloody boiling!"

Woke up marinating in my own brine as the fan had broken sometime during the night. I mean please don't get me wrong,I love the dawning of each new day..challenges to be met...all those possibilities abound.I am totally into the concept of seizing the morning by it's balls.It's just that on seriously hot days like this my motivation melts along with my make up as I  apply it.I read in a recent article that some folk return home to feverishly stock up on beloved items such as olive oil and mountain boots.I'd give my eye teeth for an effective deodorant-as I sit here ardently digging out the last remnants from the bottom of the men's 'Speed Stick' and rubbing the teaspoon with it's precious cargo across either armpits.My son,who has come to know a little of my personality the last six years,watches on nonchalantly before taking a deep breath and asking."Mummy?Why is there a golden sticker on my apple slice?"With a huge jarring motion,number one brain cog starts it's first 360 degree revolution of the day."Well!You did all your chores very well this morning.It means 'Good job'." I smoothly reply.He looks down,eyebrows creased as he studies."Doesn't 'good' start with a 'g' as in 'girl'?"he chirps back,"This is 'd...e....l' space then a 'm....o....n....t..."I smile my best motherly smile,"Oh,that's 'Good job' in another language.French,I think"and pour another cup of tea for everyone from our newly acquired family teapot."I've got one too!"teases daughter from across the table."The same letters!"

 The pram was loaded up with swimming gear,enough spare changes of clothes for every imaginable scenario known to motherhood,like missiles we were ready to unleash ourselves upon the poor sods who also inhabit this great city when the oh so mummily mundane thing happened..we'd forgotten something.

Or rather someone. Our summer guest.The primary school's crayfish.A rather spooky looking thing thrust upon me without warning and under duress.I like furry things.Little things that squeak and have beady little eyes that look lovingly at you when they want grub. I don't know what alerted me to 'his' plight.The circling buzzards or the cat sat salivating next to the cooker,a pan of oil sizzling,bowl of breadcrumbs,plate of mayo and lettuce nearby.Charlie the Killer Crayfish's cell was most decidedly grubby.Knowing absolutely nothing about how to look after this creature,I am paranoid at the thought of returning home to find it deceased.Up in the great crayfish heaven in the sky.Plus my son,Bat Boy would be devastated......even if he did enjoy Charlie served up later as tempura.By the time we'd 'reformed' Charlie's home much to the chagrin of the feline in the family,time,the morning and the temperature were marching on.

Whizzing down the street,determined to meet up with friends in Kichijoji,I waltz into a convenience store to stock up on water."Bloody boiling today,isn't it?"shouts out the cashier gaily.I do a double take,mouth hanging open in surprise,firstly at the greeting perfect British English and then the lovely young lady's Asian face that smiles at me."You are British,right?"she asks,"I lived in England for ten years.I recognise your accent!"Still in shock,I turn to look at her work colleague who shrugs his shoulders and utters "Eigo wakaranai!"(I don't understand English)"I am sorry,"I stutter,"I was just really surprised to hear you! I haven't heard the words 'Bloody boiling' for such a long time!" She laughs and extends her hand."My name is Kaori.Nice to meet you!"After wiping my sweaty palm surreptitiously down my top,we exchange introductions. "It's really nice to meet someone from England,"Kaori gushes,"All the foreigners seem to be mostly American or Australian." I laugh as the shop doors open and my Japanese friend walks in."Oh Sammysan! I thought it was you!"to my children,"Hello!How are you all today?"I introduce my friend to Kaori and we banter a while."Yuka lived in England for a while too,didn't you Yukasan?.......Her husband is French and they have children.We're going on a play date to Kichijoji today...."To which my son leaps forward and shouts"Del Monte!Del Monte!" at the top of his voice much to every one's surprise."Auntie Yuka?Do you know what 'Del Monte' means in French?"