"Native English teacher required to teach conversation classes to a diverse range of students........" The advertisement boomed,surrounded with lots of little snapshots of various folk donned in snappy suits, looking very professional in snazzy hi-tech surroundings.
Well...I'm a native...the genuine article from up north- and just ask any of my mates-over a pint or two I can talk the the bum bum of any bovine and you can't get any more conversational than that,....can you? With The Booby Slayer's .....as wee diamond daughter is affectionately known...... attention satisfactorily riveted on the task of editing one of hubby's notebooks with a lip liner and a river of dribble,I feverishly polished my resume details and sent them with a cover letter.
Here I am,two days later with a request for an interview! "Let's go upstairs,Sweetie,"I coo to The Booby Slayer,"Mummy Slave needs to just quickly use the computer!" Just five minutes...I swear that's all it'll take,darling! Come on..just for Mummy. I recite the mantra over in my head as Booby Slayer decides to exhibit her displeasure by falling down on the floor in a catatonic state.All limbs rigid,fixed out at odd angles with eyeballs in the midst of a pretty good Exorcist impression..Marvelling at her muscle control,I eye the stairs and her.I have friends who work in stocks who like to extol about 'damage control' and the importance of being able to make snap decisions.We parents know all about that.With really small kiddies,damage control is everything.Snap decisions are made,quite often under intensely stressful circumstances. Just whisper the words 'supermarket','check out line' and 'temper tantrum' to any parent and watch the sweat break out on that upper lip.If you don't master damage control, you could find yourself on the edge of a Pamper's landfill in a fit of despair. I eye The Booby Slayer again,her mouth now set in a grimace...nope,this battle isn't worth fighting.
The last few functioning cells housed in the lump situated on top of my neck,unexpectedly light up and 'Voile'.I glance at The Booby Slayer who has now added growling sound effects and unbelievably,even more dribbling to the repertoire. "You keep up with the exercises",I singsong in her direction,sitting down on the sofa,"Mummy Slave is just going to send a quick mail out on her cellphone." Feeling self-satisfied,I punch out a reply confirming that I am available for an interview.Move over Fly Lady.Galloping Gal is staging a coup any day now. "Mummy!Mummy!" wails The Booby Slayer as the little warm body hurtles itself at mine,one wee hand inadvertently touching the panel on my iPhone...the panel with the 'Send' key.Well,she saved me a job.Kissing and hugging my little girl,I watch as the message scrolls off into cyberspace and wonder at the marvel of the Internet.
"Dear Ms.......
Thank you very much for your reply and the offer of an interview.Wednesday at 9.30 is most convenient.I look forward to meeting you.
Yours Sincerely,
Sammy the Slave,The Bat Kids & The Booby Slayeress who just won't leave my boobies alone...just like her Dad! "
Shrieking with horror,I stab blindly at the iPhone screen in a futile attempt to stop the mail going out.......'Message Successfully Sent' sticks out it's tongue and I can almost hear the "Nah nah nah naaaaah nah".
The screaming is almost unbearable in the background.I cringe with each acme reached."I am sorry,Darling.Mummy Slave won't be a minute."
"Dear Ms.......
May I offer my most humble apologies. I can assure you that I am not in the habit of signing replies to possible future employers in such an informal manner......................"
No comments:
Post a Comment