Dirty Dialogues For The Up And Coming Porn Star.

Don`t think I`ve ever met anyone so beautiful in real life. I must admit I do like the occasional ganders in the celebrity mags. I like to console myself that in all probability nobody really looks like that in the real world. So it was pretty distressing to open my door and find a real life, living and breathing goddess entering my genkan.

"I am sorry," Goddess breathed through perfectly pouty lips," I hope I am not late!"

"No,...not at all!" I replied, my eyeballs homing in on perfectly shaped eyebrows and luminescent skin. Wow. Even if I spent the next twenty years dining solely on produce grown directly outside of the Fukushima Dai Ichi nuclear plant gates, my skin would never glow like that. Oh God, did I check my `beauty spot` for errant hairs this morning? Where`s a stone? A big one I can go crawl under.

"So, Ms Goddess. Please tell me why you want to study English?"

"Well,"  she sighed, sliding me a coy glance," For my job..really."  For God`s sake. Get a bloody grip woman and stop staring at her like that. She`s going to think you are a closet lesbian.

"And what is your job?" I enquired.

"I am in the entertainment industry," She gushed as I made the appropriate `wow` responses. "And as I feel that you have a very wide mind, I`d like to tell you that I work in porn."

"Oh....,"  as my mind raced to find a pertinent answer. " Wow!" Yes. Wow! But what do porn stars talk about? In fact, doesn`t she know it`s rude to talk with your mouth full?  I have a ton of textbooks but none entitled `Dirty Dialogues For The Up and Coming Porn Star`. Throw me a new challenge and make my day.

"My stage name is **** *****," Goddess ventured on," Maybe you heard of me ?"

"Yes, I think I might ......." To which she smiled and gave a little satisfied shrug. Why the hell did I say that. My stock reply to anyone who tells me they had something published,something shown at  an exhibition, a small part on a TV ad. "Yes, I might have" sounds a lot better than "Never bloody heard of you!"  The only porn I`ve seen recently was when the kids accidentally switched onto the porn channel on cable TV. Luckily, it was just a few seconds of a close up of a woman`s face . I explained she was making those moaning noises as she was upset at her brother for smashing her latest Lego creation. Went down well. No more ado. All remote controls now child proofed. Please don`t ask me to critique your performance.

In my younger days, I dated a hunk of a guy with hair down to his waist. Total eye candy. The spell was broken every time he opened his mouth. God can giveth and God can taketh. He got a job touring with the `Strip-in-the-Dales`. A bit like The Chippendale's but up north of England.

" I want to branch out and my dream is to break into the American porn circuit," Goddess went on," So I want to improve my English and audition for bigger roles."

Wants meatier roles, I wrote down.

"Okay,! I grin," When do you want your first lesson?"

"You have terrific cheekbones," Benevolent Goddess praised.

"Well,...thank you!" I laughed in delight. Just a shame they are encased in 20 kilograms of unwanted padding with a control centre on top that likes to go awol on me.

There`s a lot more to this porn stuff than get your knickers off. They make it look easy but a lot of technique required. Wonder who Mrs Life will introduce me to next? It`s one giant learning curve....Bring it on,baby!

Becoming a CEO Isn`t As Easy As It Looks!

" Big,fat and furry!" The Booby Slayer enunciates slowly, accompanied by large sweeping gestures of her wee hands. The teacher, catching my eye makes shrugging motions and in Japanese. "I am sorry but I not sure what`s she talking about!"

"Our cat!" sighs Little Booby Slayer in frustration and Japanese. As we exited the daycare centre. "It`s about time they started doing a bit more English in there,Mummy." Huge, beautiful lakes of light brown stare in annoyance into my heavily Maybellined doors to the soul.

"Yes, I know,darling but it`s a Japanese daycare. They `do` Japanese. It`s a real gift for you to be able to speak different languages." I gently reply, giving the little hand a loving squeeze.

"But,Mummy!" Booby Slayer protests," Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sounds so poo poo in Japanese!"

I am working on it,lovie. Mummy trudged miles today, posting leaflets through all shapes and sizes of postboxes. Still no grabbers. Of the English lingo classes, that is.

"Come back and work for us full-time,"  My manager in the Big Company purred," Lots of perks!"

Yeah...I have no doubt about the perks. It`s just that scanning down the list, perk No 5, an office view  from the thirtieth something floor of Tokyo Bay...so close to the bay that I could hang out a rod and catch my dinner.....leaves me shivering in dread rather than delight. Maybe this is the Big Company`s new agenda on early retirement. Send the workers they don`t like out there just in case there`s another Big One with a tsunami encore. I didn`t vocalise this as not many people are `in tune` with my sense of humour.

Hubby already works quite a distance away. I don`t know. Call me a wuss but I want to be near the kids. We are still experiencing aftershocks. I want to be able to get to the kids quickly if.....touching wood here....anything else happens in Tokyo. I got a lot of classes in this great little place down the road. Now I am trying to drum up some students for my home classes. It`s akin to pulling teeth.And....if I cannot prove to the lovely folks down at the city office next month that teeth have indeedy been pulled, varnished and currently displayed on my trophy wall, they just might revoke my daycare.

" I think if we work together," beams Booby Slayer up at me," We can crack it!"

Keep positive in life.....and extend the net. Just not over Tokyo Bay.

Racing to the Beat of the Drum.....

.....again. He must have timed his summer hols with ours. Lovely waking up of a morn and sauntering down stairs to a leisurely breakfast...well, in between the food fights and normal sibling warfare that is part and parcel of family life that is.....cruising out to the pools for an all day dip. Now he`s back. In the corner. Beating away on his drum most heartily with that stupid grin on his face. Where are the darts? And his bloody loincloth looks like it hasn`t been washed a while too. "Shut up!" I screech," I am going as fast as I bloody can!" 

" Mummy! Will you please stop shouting at the wall! " Bat Boy wailed, rolling eyeballs up in an enviable Exorcist movement, "No wonder everyone thinks you are bloody weird!"

"Stop swearing!" I admonish.

"Why?" Bat Boy counters, " You are always bloody swearing!"

"No, I bloo...blo..antly don`t!" I stammer back.

"Chill out,Mummy." smiles three year old The Booby Slayer.

"Yeah...chill out,Mumsy," adds Bat Girl," The world ain`t going to end if our bento is burnt!"

"When I feel stressed, I like to play with my willy," interjects Bat Boy.

"Thanks for sharing,love." I grin, somewhat forcibly." But we didn`t need to know that."

The drum beat notches up as I text hubby ` Your son is talking about willy sports in public again. Fatherly chat required tonight. Thank you`. Oh bloody hell, I can smell something burning.

"Bloody hell," shouts out Bat Girl," The pizza for our lunch box is on fire....again, Mummy!"

The drum beat fills my ears as I feel the house lurch and the smell of the sea assaults my nostrils.

"Coming!" I cry out, sounding like Alpha Dalek from Dr Who.

" I am feeling a bit stressed,Mummy!" cries The Booby Slayer." Can I play with  Bat Boy`s willy?"

"No, you can`t!" I firmly reply while attempting to put out the pizza bonfire....


    

And The Punches Just Keep Coming On Japan`s Radiating Future.

I am just a simple lass. I don`t know much about much. I am a whizz at  changing two babies at once.The record is 1minute 20 seconds and standing. . I am known for my mean bacon and chip butties...or was. These days, if someone offers you something to eat, it is considered polite to ask them where exactly they got the ingredients from.

"Yes," my Japanese mummy friend revealed to me a few weeks ago,"I called the school and they confirmed that produce from Fukushima was being used in the school lunches."  As an accord of exclamations, tinged heavily with disbelief bounced off the ceiling.   " Apparently, until the government tells them the produce isn`t okay, they will continue to use it.....in our children`s lunches."

Well, apparently, despite repeated assurances that the beef was safe, it wasn`t.  Five months on from the triple catastrophe, the government issued a ban on beef products from Fukushima only last week. Miyagi and Iwate prefectures followed this week. Today on the news, the government will test the rice crops in 19 prefectures. Officialdom hasn`t even cast it`s beady eyes on  vegetables, chicken or pork yet. I have a sinking feeling we already know the answer.

Well, message to whoever it may concern, regarding the bans....you are way too late. You couldn`t organise a piss up in a brewery. Why wasn`t there a total boycott imposed from day one. Until at least, the extent of the radiation contamination was known. It was left up to the individual prefectures to control the testing and safe distribution of food. Prefectures who rely on agriculture to sustain their economies. A bit like asking children, in a lovely soft tone, to not lick out the cake bowl while you turn your back.. Promise me....promise me,pretty please.

I keep hearing about  `the economy` and `let`s support the people in Tohoku`. How has deceit, and ineptitude on such a vast scale helped the `economy? Along with stories about certain companies buying contaminated produce then relabelling it under a different area`s name, the public is now exceptionally leery of produce from anywhere in Japan. Consumer confidence has been stomped to death by greed. I`d be more inclined to believe a report on tonight`s news that little green aliens have landed and opened up their own food halls over in Okinawa than any government uttered assurances about food. In fact, those little green aliens would probably do a rip roaring trade shipping all over Japan.

How ultimately does this help the `people of Tohoku`? Thousands of poor souls, still sitting in shelters, in makeshift cardboard compartments. Children playing in school contaminated playgrounds who should have been evacuated months ago. Talk about adding insult to grievous injury. Money talks here in Japan. Folk `s don`t figure. And the beautiful children who are Japan`s future?


"Record High Radiation Reported At Crippled Fukushima Nuclear Plant"  yet another faith inspiring top news article today. But, not to worry, the government and TEPCO  commented that they remain `On target to bring the plant to a safe shutdown in January`. What are we on target for really?. Do you actually mean to suggest that there is a plan in all of this farce?   Some coherent proactive strategy so underground that it is invisible for anyone with braincells to grasp? Years from now, will we look back and think, yeah, they really were on top of stuff?

No way are any of my kids eating school lunches from September. It`s packed lunches for us. My reason to the school. They have developed allergies. They are severely allergic to any Japanese produce until otherwise notified. .