Tuesday 10 August 2010

'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'......

.....was the dingle that assaulted my aural senses at the unholy hour of five.My mental ignition key broke off in the lock years ago.A delicate,propitious twisting and combining of cerebral wiring is now required for me to reach a suitable level of consciousness befitting an hour when most are still in a semi comatose state.I cling to my pillow every morning.We are like lovers on a train platform,knowing that that final agonizing moment has come,one of us must embark and leave the other standing.Last whispered words "Don't worry,Darling.Evening shall be upon us soon again." 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' grew in volume as my trio made their first entrance of the morn into my darkened sepulchre."Mummy,tell them to stop it."wailed Bat Boy."Good morning! You know how I feel about you talking about your Christmas present wish list so far from Christmas! Let's just enjoy the summer holidays,shall we?" The 'we' part rising a notch as I,face still embedded in pillow,needed to take a deep breath."But Mummy."and more wailing followed by a surge of giggles.Sighing,I flop over and complete a most laudable impersonation of Bela Lugosi rising from his coffin.The wiring from my brain to my mouth obviously hadn't warmed up yet."What the hell...?"as my eyes focused on Bat Boy.His nose a giant,red oozy blob in a landscape I otherwise recognise."Mummy,"he howls pitifully,my arms opening wide to encompass my little man."My nose hurts."Between heart rendering cries."I woke up and it's like this.Am I going to die,Mummy?"Hugging him even tighter and almost laughing,"No,Darling.No!"gently now," It's a mosquito bite and it's infected.We'll take you to the hospital and get it looked at."I stare deep into his eyes to reassure then turn to  his two sisters,giggling in a corner and singing their third encore of 'Rudolph'."Shut up!" I hiss.


The hospital was busy but we were lucky as our usual pediatrician,who also speaks amazing English was available today.Bat Boy had donned a cap and pulled it down over most of his face.The Booby Slayer was admitted to this hospital seriously ill with pneumonia earlier this year,so most of the Children's floor staff are more than familiar with us."Which one today,"greets the receptionist on the Children's floor,beaming at us."Do I have a big red nose like Anpanman?"asks Bat Girl who then bursts into the most vociferous sniggering bout,echoed by her 'mini me' who can out cackle any coven. "Stop it!"shouts Bat Boy,as I deflect a punch aimed dead centre at Bat Girl's mouth."I am sorry about that,"I apologise to the receptionist.Dragging them round the corner,I get down into Bat Girl's face,true Bionic Babysitter style."You stop this manner right now.Do you understand me?"through clenched teeth,in lowered tones to a Bambi eyed Bat Girl,"How would you feel if you were Bat Boy?"Bat Girl's head down,"Not nice,Mummy.""Right,if you behave like that towards Bat Boy again......"Just as someone taps my shoulder.I turn,surprised, to be greeted by a young Japanese guy extending his hand."Hello!My name is Kajiwara.Nice to meet you!".Plastering a congenial expression on my face,I reciprocate,"Hello! Lovely to meet you too,Mr Kajiwara".I continue to introduce my three scowling kids to his family.Abruptly Bat Boy loudly interrupts."You didn't tell Bat Girl what's going to happen if she says bad things again ,Mummy."Turning slowly,a fixed smile on,I calmly accentuate,"Later,lovely!"Mr Kajiwara beams on,"You've got three lovely children,Mrs Batoven."The words of agreement slide brusquely off my lips as Bat Boy interjects with "If you do that again,Bat Girl.Mummy is going to make you eat the pus from my nose.Do you understand?"Deadly silence from The Bat Sisters and from Mr Kajiwara's side too.Suddenly,our number is called out and a nurse appears in  a doorway beckoning us.


"Yes,it's an infected mosquito bite,"confirms Dr No.Bat Boy sighs with relief and flashes me a 'You were right,mum' look."I'll give you some medicine,"Doctor No types in data onto Bat Boy's hospital records."Any type okay.Syrup or powder.Which do you prefer,Bat Boy,"Doctor No enquires."Poo poo type,"shrieks The Booby Slayer,rolling out the hag laugh in full glory,joined by her crony in hagness."What is it with children from all nationalities wanting to talk about this kind of topic."laughs Dr No.I agree and muse on how it never ends really.Each generation has 'their own topic'.We start at poo poo then sex,marriage,kids,then back to bowel movements or lack of them.A full circle."'Unchi' means 'poo poo' in English.'Oshiko' means 'pee pee' and 'onara' means 'fluff fluff''",The Booby Slayer divulges proudly,tummy stuck out."I am sorry?"queries Dr No."'Fluff fluff?"I  lean across the desk and cup my hand to avoid nearby small antenna."'Fluff fluff' is a children's word for 'fart,"To which his confusion deepens,"As in 'to pass wind'...'gas'...'flatulence'" I half whisper.Understanding floods his face and he answers boomingly."Oh..okay.Fart.How do you spell that?"As the trio dance joyfully,singing 'fart,fart,fart' over and over,The Booby Slayer for added comprehension pulls down the back of her nappy and emits a most cacophonous specimen."F... A... R... T "repeats Dr No.

"Thank you,Dr No,"I beam as I close the door."You say that again,Bat Girl and I am going to fart you to death. and resuscitate you and fart you to death again"Where is the elevator?"Mummy! Bat Boy said he's going to fart me to death and...." Forget the elevator.Where's the beer vending machine......

Sunday 8 August 2010

Tanabata Festival.

The bamboo leaves rustle,
Shaking away in the eaves.
The stars twinkle;
Gold and silver grains of sand.

Many,many,many moons ago Vega,the weaver princess was the most fairest of face in Heaven.Her beauty was beyond compare,celebrated in countless tales and ballads.Many a prince set his heart on capturing hers ...but to no avail. You see,Vega was into a bit of rough stuff.She'd set her sights on Altair the simple cowherd.A dark and moody strapping six footer who,it was rumoured,was hung like an elephant.One day they realised that they had a lot more in common than just mind blowing shagging sessions.They decided to get married.Vega's father,the King,wasn't too happy at the thought of his daughter,a Princess from the highest realm,marrying a cowherd but remembering his own simple roots,his father had been in plumbing, he decided to give the lad a chance.They were married on a hilltop shortly after with celestial paparazzi in tow.'And so they lived happily ever after' unfortunately is not the ending to this yarn.It would appear that Vega and Altair were so besotted with each other that one year after their nuptials they still hardly ventured outside.Vega had neglected her important magical weaving duties and Altair's cows wandered willy nilly all over the place unattended.The King wasn't a happy man.Cow pats everywhere and embarrassing tales whispered over a pint at the local of neighbours complaining about loud moaning and groaning emitting out all hours from his daughter's residence.He separated them to live on opposite sides of the River of Heaven,or The Milky Way as it's known in Japan and decreed that they would only be allowed to meet on the seventh day of the seventh month,once a year.It is rumoured the King died a lonely broken man sobbing into his pint every night.


Every August,Asagaya celebrates Tanabata or The Star Festival as it is also known.Magnificent, elephantine origami displays are erected up in the Pearl Shopping Mall.Cascades of colourful paper streamers float gently,giving the illusion that it is cooler than it actually is.Families stroll leisurely,taking in the vast kaleidoscope of psychedelic decorations adorning the lamp posts and shop fronts.Young Japanese ladies giggle shyly,wrapped in summer kimono,tottering along nimbly on traditional geta. shoes.The Japanese love their festivals and boy can they put on a great show.

"Don't look,Mummy!"screeches Bat Girl hunched over her tanzaku paper.(Coloured paper used during Tanabata)Bat Boy is busy writing his wish down on his own tanzaku paper whilst The Booby Slayer is going for the pictionary look on hers."And what are you going to wish for?"whispers hubby coming up behind and embracing me."Bugger off,"I laughingly whisper back.After hanging the paper with our wishes onto bamboo branches,a little bowing session  ensues to hopefully grab a deity's attention and for He or She to show favour on us.Waiting at the beer stall,we bump into my American friend and his parents who are visiting for the summer.Salutations are exchanged followed by reports on various sightseeing trips notched up so far."Oh.I looooorrve this place,"drawls friend's mum,"But I am sorry!I don't get the food.Too much seafood.Half of it not yet dead.Now I like chicken.I'm a chicken person"Screwing up her face to reinforce her opinion on the matter.A little frustrated my friend softly chides "But Mum,you won't even attempt to try it.How do you know if you like it if you won't even try it!"Enter Bat Boy carrying a large plastic carton filled with Takoyaki.'Tako' means 'octopus' and 'yaki' means 'grilled/barbecued' in English."Oh..this is delicious,"drools Bat Boy,"Want one?"he asks friend's mum who is not immune to the delicious aroma emanating from the carton."What is it,"she enquires suspiciously.Just as every adult in our group starts to answer "Octop....",Bat Boy interjects "Chicken...and it's absolutely delicious!" Friend's mummy's face lights up with delight,"Oh!Go on then.Let me try one.Just a small one"and pops one into her mouth.We wait with bated breath as her face at first shows surprise then rapture as her taste buds jump with glee."Now that's food,"turning to her son,"If you had just listened to me in the first place and got me a chicken dish...forget all this artsy seafood scene.I'm a chicken gal........Can I have another one,young man?Thank you! Where can we buy some more.This chicken is a bit tough but it is delicious.........."   

Saturday 7 August 2010

The weekend is here

I woke up humming,an occasional and most welcome breeze whirling the curtains up into the air, suddenly saturating half the room with glorious sunshine.I stretch lazily.I love Saturday mornings before I go to work.It's the one morning of the week that hubby gets to eat breakfast with his clan.Hubby and I are like ships in the night.Mine equipped with one huge foghorn.Down the stairs I leap to find Bat Boy crying in the kitchen."Hungry.sweetie?"I coo,tussling his hair as he automatically moves to swipe my hand away. Hugging his head against my thigh,I half drag him over to the kitchen counter where the multi-tasking auto mummy pilot kicks into gear as I 'oh dear' and 'Don't worry,darling' my sweet one while putting on the kettle,frying pan on another ring,throwing bread at the toaster and reaching for the fridge door handle.I remember gushing to a friend when the twins were only four months old that I couldn't wait for them to start talking.Oh,the joy to hear their tiny tinkling voices.To sit and weigh the mighty conundrums of this and other worlds.My friend sat in silence only smiling and nodding at me,as is the case with mothers of older kids sat listening to a naive first mummy's delusional ramblings of   future family life.Six years on,the only way I can get a moments peace from the incessant synchronised banter of my three offspring,is to beat a hurried retreat to the toilet. The toilet....that last bastion of sanity where I sit,knickers round my ankles, a pious tribute to this hallowed room,head leant on the wooden door,bobbing up and down occasionally with the force of The Booby Slayer's fists pounding on the other side."How dare you take thirty seconds out to take a pee pee!A truly professional Mummy would have had a catheter attached after my birth."As all nature and wildlife adapts to new surroundings  so have I.Along this exhilarating path of parentdom,my mummy metamorphosis is not to be scoffed at.I can now boast an enviable myriad of talents from astounding multi-tasking skills to telepathy. Also most worthy of a mention and pertinent to today's musings is the 'gabble filter'.Listening to three kids,babbling away at the same time constantly throughout the day is a wee bit tedious on the few braincells that are hanging on in there.To overcome this rather formidable daily task,my mummy mind,over time,developed a kind of filter that enables mummy to 'listen' to the spoken word but home in on 'key words' and react appropriately.And so today's tale begins to unfold as the words 'crayfish' and 'gone' made their way through my ear canals setting off a series of reactions throughout my brain.I stopped beating the eggs and asked."What do you mean?" to my son,his head upturned,little crystals balanced on the corners of either eye."Charlie's escaped!"he shrieked,as the theme tune to 'Jaws' started up,I stared into an empty Charlie less tank and a camera in my mind did a Rod Steiger close up. How could this be?The crayfish was gone.With disbelief I grab a long chopstick and whirl it around the tank.No.Nothing.No.....the cat has been out all night and I don't think the goldfish have it in them to gang up and barbecue Charlie.I left the tank on the table because it's cooler there at night.Glancing at the wide expanse of lino on the kitchen floor,my back pressed against a cupboard.How far can a crayfish get?The crayfish.The scary thing that lives in the tank is now scary thing loose in the house.Notch up the scary meter.Bat Boy,joined later by Bat Girl and The Booby Slayer looked high and low for Charlie.Fatso the cat was getting rather heated up at not being immediately led inside to his normal table for breakfast that morning.Dirty feline looks rained in from outside the patio door.I was thinking about letting him in and asking him to be a tracker as I bent down and picked up one of Booby Slayer's boots.I felt something hard and clammy clamp down on my finger.Screaming and pulling my hand out,Charlie made his first greetings of the morn."Put him down gently,Mummy"advised Bat Boy.Resisting the urge to shake the mini monster off,I continued screaming instead as it made me feel better.The kids,thinking if you can't beat them join them,did just that......in between giggles,as I ran round the table feverishly trying to think of a way to get Charlie to let go of my fingers.One where we both come out alive anyway."What the hell is going on?"Hubby suddenly thundered into the room.I stood motionless,one hand in the air with a Charlie hanging off a finger."What are you doing with that crayfish,"he sighed deftly plucking the crustacean rather rudely off my digit causing me to cry out in pain."They're not like hamsters,you know,"he continues,"You just can't take them out and pet them."

I relish the commute to work and lose myself in the latest book.I arrive at work to see the office girl racing around manically and manage to convince her that it is okay for me to do my own photocopying.In the middle of this task,my Korean friend arrives and begins to chronicle with great relish,a rather amusing tale from the previous evening.As we burst into giggles,I suddenly feel something hit my foot.The pain is sudden and agonising.Looking down,my friend still giggling and unaware that anything has happened,to my horror I see a pair of scissors protruding in an upright position from my shoe.Bending down,one scissor blade has slipped between two toes and embedded itself in the sole of my sandal,the other was stuck in a toe.Starting to feel queasy,I grab a corner of a nearby table."Are you okay?"friend asks,gasping when she spies my foot and the scissors."Don't touch it,"she advises,"I used to be a nurse..."as I yank the blade out of my petrified toe who immediately begins to weep tears of blood....copious amounts of blood spilling out over the pale office carpet."Oh.."sighs my friend who then promptly faints and collapses over my back,hitting her head on a filing cabinet and falling to the floor.Another member of staff races over,dodging for a split second on who to assist first,The comatose one on the floor or the other one whose foot is gushing blood all over.The office girl,already at her wits end at half eight in the morning,yelps as she enters the room,surveys the scene and has to be helped into a nearby chair.

I  now have a delightful bandage on my finger and a huge one on my toe.......and it's only 9am..........

Tuesday 3 August 2010

Saturday.........Shag Night.

Saturday is shag night in our house.I could use words like 'the time when we become as one throbbing soul,our spirits soaring high up with a bunch of whatyoumacallit birds'.....okay.... 'doves,as waves crash thunderously up on a beach and fireworks splatter the twilight sky with a million glittering stars' but since our three diamonds entered our lives,it's been more about windows of opportunity and logistics rather than ambiance.The nitty gritty.Unfortunately,windows of opportunity appear to have become as rare as a Yeti sighting in Tokyo so we decided to carve out in stone that one night be designated 'Shag Night'. I wanted to name it "Mr  Eel Visits the Cave' in honour of the Japanese movie 'Sayuri' but hubby likes the British expression 'shag'.So I deferred graciously.

Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing  hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa".  (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.

Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and  stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.

I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.

Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one  calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....

"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"