.....was the dingle that assaulted my aural senses at the unholy hour of five.My mental ignition key broke off in the lock years ago.A delicate,propitious twisting and combining of cerebral wiring is now required for me to reach a suitable level of consciousness befitting an hour when most are still in a semi comatose state.I cling to my pillow every morning.We are like lovers on a train platform,knowing that that final agonizing moment has come,one of us must embark and leave the other standing.Last whispered words "Don't worry,Darling.Evening shall be upon us soon again." 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' grew in volume as my trio made their first entrance of the morn into my darkened sepulchre."Mummy,tell them to stop it."wailed Bat Boy."Good morning! You know how I feel about you talking about your Christmas present wish list so far from Christmas! Let's just enjoy the summer holidays,shall we?" The 'we' part rising a notch as I,face still embedded in pillow,needed to take a deep breath."But Mummy."and more wailing followed by a surge of giggles.Sighing,I flop over and complete a most laudable impersonation of Bela Lugosi rising from his coffin.The wiring from my brain to my mouth obviously hadn't warmed up yet."What the hell...?"as my eyes focused on Bat Boy.His nose a giant,red oozy blob in a landscape I otherwise recognise."Mummy,"he howls pitifully,my arms opening wide to encompass my little man."My nose hurts."Between heart rendering cries."I woke up and it's like this.Am I going to die,Mummy?"Hugging him even tighter and almost laughing,"No,Darling.No!"gently now," It's a mosquito bite and it's infected.We'll take you to the hospital and get it looked at."I stare deep into his eyes to reassure then turn to his two sisters,giggling in a corner and singing their third encore of 'Rudolph'."Shut up!" I hiss.
The hospital was busy but we were lucky as our usual pediatrician,who also speaks amazing English was available today.Bat Boy had donned a cap and pulled it down over most of his face.The Booby Slayer was admitted to this hospital seriously ill with pneumonia earlier this year,so most of the Children's floor staff are more than familiar with us."Which one today,"greets the receptionist on the Children's floor,beaming at us."Do I have a big red nose like Anpanman?"asks Bat Girl who then bursts into the most vociferous sniggering bout,echoed by her 'mini me' who can out cackle any coven. "Stop it!"shouts Bat Boy,as I deflect a punch aimed dead centre at Bat Girl's mouth."I am sorry about that,"I apologise to the receptionist.Dragging them round the corner,I get down into Bat Girl's face,true Bionic Babysitter style."You stop this manner right now.Do you understand me?"through clenched teeth,in lowered tones to a Bambi eyed Bat Girl,"How would you feel if you were Bat Boy?"Bat Girl's head down,"Not nice,Mummy.""Right,if you behave like that towards Bat Boy again......"Just as someone taps my shoulder.I turn,surprised, to be greeted by a young Japanese guy extending his hand."Hello!My name is Kajiwara.Nice to meet you!".Plastering a congenial expression on my face,I reciprocate,"Hello! Lovely to meet you too,Mr Kajiwara".I continue to introduce my three scowling kids to his family.Abruptly Bat Boy loudly interrupts."You didn't tell Bat Girl what's going to happen if she says bad things again ,Mummy."Turning slowly,a fixed smile on,I calmly accentuate,"Later,lovely!"Mr Kajiwara beams on,"You've got three lovely children,Mrs Batoven."The words of agreement slide brusquely off my lips as Bat Boy interjects with "If you do that again,Bat Girl.Mummy is going to make you eat the pus from my nose.Do you understand?"Deadly silence from The Bat Sisters and from Mr Kajiwara's side too.Suddenly,our number is called out and a nurse appears in a doorway beckoning us.
"Yes,it's an infected mosquito bite,"confirms Dr No.Bat Boy sighs with relief and flashes me a 'You were right,mum' look."I'll give you some medicine,"Doctor No types in data onto Bat Boy's hospital records."Any type okay.Syrup or powder.Which do you prefer,Bat Boy,"Doctor No enquires."Poo poo type,"shrieks The Booby Slayer,rolling out the hag laugh in full glory,joined by her crony in hagness."What is it with children from all nationalities wanting to talk about this kind of topic."laughs Dr No.I agree and muse on how it never ends really.Each generation has 'their own topic'.We start at poo poo then sex,marriage,kids,then back to bowel movements or lack of them.A full circle."'Unchi' means 'poo poo' in English.'Oshiko' means 'pee pee' and 'onara' means 'fluff fluff''",The Booby Slayer divulges proudly,tummy stuck out."I am sorry?"queries Dr No."'Fluff fluff?"I lean across the desk and cup my hand to avoid nearby small antenna."'Fluff fluff' is a children's word for 'fart,"To which his confusion deepens,"As in 'to pass wind'...'gas'...'flatulence'" I half whisper.Understanding floods his face and he answers boomingly."Oh..okay.Fart.How do you spell that?"As the trio dance joyfully,singing 'fart,fart,fart' over and over,The Booby Slayer for added comprehension pulls down the back of her nappy and emits a most cacophonous specimen."F... A... R... T "repeats Dr No.
"Thank you,Dr No,"I beam as I close the door."You say that again,Bat Girl and I am going to fart you to death. and resuscitate you and fart you to death again"Where is the elevator?"Mummy! Bat Boy said he's going to fart me to death and...." Forget the elevator.Where's the beer vending machine......
Showing posts with label living in Tokyo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living in Tokyo. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Saturday.........Shag Night.
Saturday is shag night in our house.I could use words like 'the time when we become as one throbbing soul,our spirits soaring high up with a bunch of whatyoumacallit birds'.....okay.... 'doves,as waves crash thunderously up on a beach and fireworks splatter the twilight sky with a million glittering stars' but since our three diamonds entered our lives,it's been more about windows of opportunity and logistics rather than ambiance.The nitty gritty.Unfortunately,windows of opportunity appear to have become as rare as a Yeti sighting in Tokyo so we decided to carve out in stone that one night be designated 'Shag Night'. I wanted to name it "Mr Eel Visits the Cave' in honour of the Japanese movie 'Sayuri' but hubby likes the British expression 'shag'.So I deferred graciously.
Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa". (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.
Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.
I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.
Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....
"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"
Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa". (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.
Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.
I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.
Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....
"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"
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