X-Rated Mummy.

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I think I Am A Sado Machoist.

Or maybe I fell over that precipice and down into the depths of insanity one sunny day without realising it.I love parties. I am determined that each season or milestone be celebrated. Notched up on life`s great wooden bedpost for prosperity. A good time was had by all on this day. Let the memory warm us later in the sunset of our lives as we rock in a wicker chair, the wind caressing our silver locks...or if bald, the lovely cactus jungles that older folk seem to spurt from nasal and aural orifices........ in some home, somewhere far.,far...... hopefully ... far forward in time from now.

"Is this what you class as `resting`?"scolds hubby in his finest ` I know best` tone.I am stood in the kitchen, on one foot, looking like a bloated flamingo. I deftly push the end of the crutch against the touch pad key on the microwave and it duly hums into action,. Microwave knows her place after toaster nearly took an early morning flying lesson, courtesy of one manic mummy. "Just wanted to put the nails on the witches` fingers before the halflings awake.!" I cheerfully explain. I stand back and admire my handiwork. Sixty sausages boiled, chiseled and topped with a carved tomato nail, ketchup glued to the end. Witches` fingers. I point at the plate and with pride enquire."So what do you think of that?" A moment`s silence filled with hubby`s head nodding up and down while he searches for the right words to describe the culinary work of art laid out before him. " Yeah....lovely.Kids love sausages!" Indignation inflates my chest, a timely air sac between hubby and I."Sausages?" I cry," Sausages...?"I hold one up, the tomato nail slides off onto my dressing gown. Sisters together in exasperated solidarity. "This is a...." Now I search for the apt wording," ....not just any old sausage....It is culinary craftsmanship at it`s......it`s pinnacle!" Laughing hubby,"Okay! They are amazing!" Hubby should thank his stars that I am not a high maintenance type of wife,I think smugly. Easily satisfied,am I.My grudges always have a statue of limitations.

Hubby."What`s that on your cheek?" I brush and find a seaweed cut out mouth. "Oh,thanks!" I hum" I wondered where that  mouth had got to." As I press it down onto a mini pizza surrounded by it`s clones. All grinning manically with mini tomato noses and olive eyeballs.  In a few hours, this house will be overrun with thirty small bodies. Each and everyone a little powerhouse of energy to be amused, entertained, fed, watered and  contended with. "You need to slow down," hubby yields his gem of advice,pointing a foot in the splint. 

It is just after five in the morning. I am stood, like a giant flamingo. Foot in a splint.Various plates crammed with the Halloween spirit. Decorations galore. Balloons awaiting with bated breath. At this point, every time at this point, I always stop, only for a second mind as I just don`t have the time to dawdle. I always stop and think `Why do I do this to myself?` Especially `Why do I do this to myself when I have a broken foot?`


I might have a stone called `Mossy` who I like to spend an evening with on the sofa, here and there, deep in debate on such weighty topics as `Why do rubber washing up gloves always make your hands stink?` I`ve even been known to stick plasters on my nipples in an attempt to wean small beings from the booby. None of these things would fit the criteria for being certified as `nutty`. Neither do I feel the need to compete with other mummies. I haven`t even got a hairstyle let alone a recognised parenting style. Neither do I desire to win the Alfalfa....or whatever it is....Mummy tiara.

I do it for my little ones. For the warm glow I see on their faces, on their friends` faces. Because each day really is a gem. Because life isn`t a dress rehearsal. I am determined to be happy. To enjoy life and seize it by it`s goolies.This is it. So, I will continue on this quest. I am sure my Witches` Fingers are going to be legendary. Sausages indeedy!

Going Crutchless...And I Ain`t Talking Knickers!

"Here is an explanation in English," Doctor pushes a handwritten note over to me.

`Lisfranc fracture-dislocation of second metatarsal with extensive periosteal reaction on either side of both third and fourth metatarsals`

"Okay?" enquires the rather dishy doctor specialist softly. I steal a glance at hubby who is reading the Japanese version and nodding in complete comprehension.

Not wanting to look like the only person in the room who hasn`t got a clue what is going on...even though I am...."Yes,Dr Dishy. That`s cleared it up for me!" I cheerfully lie despite my raging foot. I surreptitiously slide the paper into my coat pocket. Google later.

"We need to totally immobilise your foot in a splint. You must rest," stresses Dr Dishy and I wonder if he creases his eyebrows like that during sex. Oh...positive sign....maybe I am already healing if I am thinking about sex. "Come back next week and we`ll do another X-ray. If the bones haven`t aligned properly, we`ll have to operate and  put shunts in between the bones to help them heal properly....."

I felt the room lurch. Operation? No....no...no...no...I don`t do operations. I do parties, bbqs. I`ve even been known in my wilder days to do the odd striptease in public but operations....oh no no no. Not since that movie based on a true story about some girl waking up during the op and feeling the surgeons wiggling their hands around in her insides.

"Let`s get this splint on!" smiles Dr Dishy as a nurse efficiently strolls over pushing a tray with lots of white material on it. "Oh,...white?" I ask. "Yes," smirks back Dr Dishy doing that cute thing again with his eyebrows. "Is that the only colour available," I enquire. "Erm..." Dishy stammers. "It`s just that white isn`t really me, if you know what I mean?" I continue," It just doesn`t do anything for my skin tone.....and it`s going to get dirty so quickly!"

"Love..they only have white." hubby interjects, casting a smile around the room which instantly reactivates doctor and nurses back to their task. "Can I have a spare one,Dr?" which results in confused looks all round. "For when I have to wash one." I explain feeling exasperated that such simple logic has eluded all and sundry. "Oh no," startles Dr Dishy," Please do not remove this. It must be left intact. Do you understand?" Giving a little sniff, I nod to confirm.

Over at  the `Crutch Training Centre` I did my time. Diligently watched demonstration and then practised the  `those who have a fractured disloyal meta something with other meta somethings with allergic something or others` gait.

I waited with bated breath for my shiny new crutches to emerge. If they don`t have red or gold, black would be ideal. They`d go with anything and I have a pair of boots..or one boot in black fake snakeskin that would look awesome. Throw in my furry black Gap bag, should look pretty cool for someone in pain.Maybe I`ll splash out on a pair of big Garbo type sunglasses. That way, I can grimace away and no-one will notice. I`ll just look like some poor tragic figure. Battling her way through the pain and misery but with elegance.

The nurse handed me a pair of dreary grey, battered things which I promptly handed over to the old lady waiting patiently next to me. "There you go,dear!" To my horror,the nurse handed them back to me. Looking at hubby. "Oh no.You`ve got to be kidding me..." as hubby wheeled the chair over, I glared at the crutches hoping they`d bend in half under my steely gaze  " A white splint and now this....There`s only so much a girl can take,you know!" I whisper, almost in tears. Turning round to look at hubby quietly pushing us down the corridor. " You did ask them about a red or gold pair,  didn`t you ?"

Bending over hubby kisses my ear and says " Cup of tea,darling!"Oh well,.....I suppose I could shine them up with some ribbons or something...... 

Dem Bones, Dem Bones...Dem Broken Bones.

The Bat Twins went on a school field trip today. Getting up at six to prepare packed lunches is a delightful experience in itself. Getting up at six to prepare packed lunches with right foot, an overnight virtuoso in impersonating a lower limb with acute Elephantitus, was heavenly. Orgasmic even.

Hey!"calls hubby entering the room, waving the envelope I brought home from the clinic last night." What`s this?" I deftly toss pancakes onto the plates of my three little birds waiting impatiently with mouths agape. "Stuff from the clinic." I confirm. "What did the doctor say to you?"enquires hubby, guiding me gently to the sofa and displacing Fatso the Feline unceremoniously from his cushion throne. Clouds of hair rise in protest, mirroring Fatso`s mood. "Well..."I pondered while sustaining world peace at the kitchen table,"....he waffled on about something in  English..." Hubby looking down at a letter written by the doctor. "Did he mention something about meta.....metatarsals? Broken metatarsals?" I laughed."Yeah...I couldn't understand what he was going on about at first. But I reckoned he was chit chatting about music.Was into rock or something. I was a bit surprised. He doesn`t look the type. He didn`t seem impressed when I told him `Bon Jovi` rocked it for me actually!" With a great rolling of his eyes, "Love, you have broken and dislocated metatarsals in your foot. Broken bones!"

Poor right foot. I have let you down badly. Here was I cursing at you for your Prima Donna ways and the fault lies with me and my lack of medical Japanese lingo. Limb lost in translation. If there aren`t any flashing lights with sirens or electric shock pads involved, I tend to switch off until I can confer with hubby, on mutual linguistic ground on the diagnosis.

I remember, a few years back, going to a dentist  for a check up. I`d been having problems with one particular tooth . I understood most of  what the dentist, a lovely man, was saying until we arrived at the diagnosis. He tried so hard and patiently to explain but there I sat, bewilderment clouding my face. Off he rushed to a cupboard and enthusiastically brought a book over, fumbled through the pages then passed it to me proudly.

`Periodontal disease is a form of gum disease but more powerful and stronger.With no fast interruption, the tooth tissue rubs away and teeth drop out. (See Figure 1.1 and the Figure 1.2) The infectious people may sometime watch an `elongation` of the tooth due to gum withdrawal symptoms. The tooth look longer, but it is a hallucination to the viewer watching his mouth. Tooth expose itself more on daily way. Teeth look bad. Stingy breath is popular in such situations. Heart, liver, stomach may feel bad too. In severe case, teeth must be evacuated out of the aural area and reformed.`

Clutching my mouth and forgetting myself for a moment, I half  shout out in horror "Oh no!" upon which, Mr Dentist looking over my shoulder suddenly grabs the book and apologises. "Very sorry.Wrong page."      

'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'......

.....was the dingle that assaulted my aural senses at the unholy hour of five.My mental ignition key broke off in the lock years ago.A delicate,propitious twisting and combining of cerebral wiring is now required for me to reach a suitable level of consciousness befitting an hour when most are still in a semi comatose state.I cling to my pillow every morning.We are like lovers on a train platform,knowing that that final agonizing moment has come,one of us must embark and leave the other standing.Last whispered words "Don't worry,Darling.Evening shall be upon us soon again." 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' grew in volume as my trio made their first entrance of the morn into my darkened sepulchre."Mummy,tell them to stop it."wailed Bat Boy."Good morning! You know how I feel about you talking about your Christmas present wish list so far from Christmas! Let's just enjoy the summer holidays,shall we?" The 'we' part rising a notch as I,face still embedded in pillow,needed to take a deep breath."But Mummy."and more wailing followed by a surge of giggles.Sighing,I flop over and complete a most laudable impersonation of Bela Lugosi rising from his coffin.The wiring from my brain to my mouth obviously hadn't warmed up yet."What the hell...?"as my eyes focused on Bat Boy.His nose a giant,red oozy blob in a landscape I otherwise recognise."Mummy,"he howls pitifully,my arms opening wide to encompass my little man."My nose hurts."Between heart rendering cries."I woke up and it's like this.Am I going to die,Mummy?"Hugging him even tighter and almost laughing,"No,Darling.No!"gently now," It's a mosquito bite and it's infected.We'll take you to the hospital and get it looked at."I stare deep into his eyes to reassure then turn to  his two sisters,giggling in a corner and singing their third encore of 'Rudolph'."Shut up!" I hiss.


The hospital was busy but we were lucky as our usual pediatrician,who also speaks amazing English was available today.Bat Boy had donned a cap and pulled it down over most of his face.The Booby Slayer was admitted to this hospital seriously ill with pneumonia earlier this year,so most of the Children's floor staff are more than familiar with us."Which one today,"greets the receptionist on the Children's floor,beaming at us."Do I have a big red nose like Anpanman?"asks Bat Girl who then bursts into the most vociferous sniggering bout,echoed by her 'mini me' who can out cackle any coven. "Stop it!"shouts Bat Boy,as I deflect a punch aimed dead centre at Bat Girl's mouth."I am sorry about that,"I apologise to the receptionist.Dragging them round the corner,I get down into Bat Girl's face,true Bionic Babysitter style."You stop this manner right now.Do you understand me?"through clenched teeth,in lowered tones to a Bambi eyed Bat Girl,"How would you feel if you were Bat Boy?"Bat Girl's head down,"Not nice,Mummy.""Right,if you behave like that towards Bat Boy again......"Just as someone taps my shoulder.I turn,surprised, to be greeted by a young Japanese guy extending his hand."Hello!My name is Kajiwara.Nice to meet you!".Plastering a congenial expression on my face,I reciprocate,"Hello! Lovely to meet you too,Mr Kajiwara".I continue to introduce my three scowling kids to his family.Abruptly Bat Boy loudly interrupts."You didn't tell Bat Girl what's going to happen if she says bad things again ,Mummy."Turning slowly,a fixed smile on,I calmly accentuate,"Later,lovely!"Mr Kajiwara beams on,"You've got three lovely children,Mrs Batoven."The words of agreement slide brusquely off my lips as Bat Boy interjects with "If you do that again,Bat Girl.Mummy is going to make you eat the pus from my nose.Do you understand?"Deadly silence from The Bat Sisters and from Mr Kajiwara's side too.Suddenly,our number is called out and a nurse appears in  a doorway beckoning us.


"Yes,it's an infected mosquito bite,"confirms Dr No.Bat Boy sighs with relief and flashes me a 'You were right,mum' look."I'll give you some medicine,"Doctor No types in data onto Bat Boy's hospital records."Any type okay.Syrup or powder.Which do you prefer,Bat Boy,"Doctor No enquires."Poo poo type,"shrieks The Booby Slayer,rolling out the hag laugh in full glory,joined by her crony in hagness."What is it with children from all nationalities wanting to talk about this kind of topic."laughs Dr No.I agree and muse on how it never ends really.Each generation has 'their own topic'.We start at poo poo then sex,marriage,kids,then back to bowel movements or lack of them.A full circle."'Unchi' means 'poo poo' in English.'Oshiko' means 'pee pee' and 'onara' means 'fluff fluff''",The Booby Slayer divulges proudly,tummy stuck out."I am sorry?"queries Dr No."'Fluff fluff?"I  lean across the desk and cup my hand to avoid nearby small antenna."'Fluff fluff' is a children's word for 'fart,"To which his confusion deepens,"As in 'to pass wind'...'gas'...'flatulence'" I half whisper.Understanding floods his face and he answers boomingly."Oh..okay.Fart.How do you spell that?"As the trio dance joyfully,singing 'fart,fart,fart' over and over,The Booby Slayer for added comprehension pulls down the back of her nappy and emits a most cacophonous specimen."F... A... R... T "repeats Dr No.

"Thank you,Dr No,"I beam as I close the door."You say that again,Bat Girl and I am going to fart you to death. and resuscitate you and fart you to death again"Where is the elevator?"Mummy! Bat Boy said he's going to fart me to death and...." Forget the elevator.Where's the beer vending machine......

Another Glorious Scorcher."It's bloody boiling!"

Woke up marinating in my own brine as the fan had broken sometime during the night. I mean please don't get me wrong,I love the dawning of each new day..challenges to be met...all those possibilities abound.I am totally into the concept of seizing the morning by it's balls.It's just that on seriously hot days like this my motivation melts along with my make up as I  apply it.I read in a recent article that some folk return home to feverishly stock up on beloved items such as olive oil and mountain boots.I'd give my eye teeth for an effective deodorant-as I sit here ardently digging out the last remnants from the bottom of the men's 'Speed Stick' and rubbing the teaspoon with it's precious cargo across either armpits.My son,who has come to know a little of my personality the last six years,watches on nonchalantly before taking a deep breath and asking."Mummy?Why is there a golden sticker on my apple slice?"With a huge jarring motion,number one brain cog starts it's first 360 degree revolution of the day."Well!You did all your chores very well this morning.It means 'Good job'." I smoothly reply.He looks down,eyebrows creased as he studies."Doesn't 'good' start with a 'g' as in 'girl'?"he chirps back,"This is 'd...e....l' space then a 'm....o....n....t..."I smile my best motherly smile,"Oh,that's 'Good job' in another language.French,I think"and pour another cup of tea for everyone from our newly acquired family teapot."I've got one too!"teases daughter from across the table."The same letters!"

 The pram was loaded up with swimming gear,enough spare changes of clothes for every imaginable scenario known to motherhood,like missiles we were ready to unleash ourselves upon the poor sods who also inhabit this great city when the oh so mummily mundane thing happened..we'd forgotten something.

Or rather someone. Our summer guest.The primary school's crayfish.A rather spooky looking thing thrust upon me without warning and under duress.I like furry things.Little things that squeak and have beady little eyes that look lovingly at you when they want grub. I don't know what alerted me to 'his' plight.The circling buzzards or the cat sat salivating next to the cooker,a pan of oil sizzling,bowl of breadcrumbs,plate of mayo and lettuce nearby.Charlie the Killer Crayfish's cell was most decidedly grubby.Knowing absolutely nothing about how to look after this creature,I am paranoid at the thought of returning home to find it deceased.Up in the great crayfish heaven in the sky.Plus my son,Bat Boy would be devastated......even if he did enjoy Charlie served up later as tempura.By the time we'd 'reformed' Charlie's home much to the chagrin of the feline in the family,time,the morning and the temperature were marching on.

Whizzing down the street,determined to meet up with friends in Kichijoji,I waltz into a convenience store to stock up on water."Bloody boiling today,isn't it?"shouts out the cashier gaily.I do a double take,mouth hanging open in surprise,firstly at the greeting perfect British English and then the lovely young lady's Asian face that smiles at me."You are British,right?"she asks,"I lived in England for ten years.I recognise your accent!"Still in shock,I turn to look at her work colleague who shrugs his shoulders and utters "Eigo wakaranai!"(I don't understand English)"I am sorry,"I stutter,"I was just really surprised to hear you! I haven't heard the words 'Bloody boiling' for such a long time!" She laughs and extends her hand."My name is Kaori.Nice to meet you!"After wiping my sweaty palm surreptitiously down my top,we exchange introductions. "It's really nice to meet someone from England,"Kaori gushes,"All the foreigners seem to be mostly American or Australian." I laugh as the shop doors open and my Japanese friend walks in."Oh Sammysan! I thought it was you!"to my children,"Hello!How are you all today?"I introduce my friend to Kaori and we banter a while."Yuka lived in England for a while too,didn't you Yukasan?.......Her husband is French and they have children.We're going on a play date to Kichijoji today...."To which my son leaps forward and shouts"Del Monte!Del Monte!" at the top of his voice much to every one's surprise."Auntie Yuka?Do you know what 'Del Monte' means in French?"

Rainy Day Fun.

God,this beer tastes sooooo good in this heat.Nectar of the Gods.Looking down.Don't think my tum looks so bad in the new double corseted swimming armour I splashed out on yesterday.Well,I think the term 'splashed out' isn't really apt at all when considering a swimming costume is a necessity in summer.'Splash out on' conjures up images of impulsive purchases,things you bought that seemed a superlative idea in that moment but send you reeling with a 'what planet was I on' six months later,as you yank them out of a cupboard,the dust bringing on a lengthy coughing fit.One such memory floods back with savage intensity as Bat Girl jumps into the pool,her pink ballet tutu complimented delightfully with pink flowers on vomit inducing yellow background pop socks.A fall out after a huge disagreement with hubby a few years back.The things he's made me do.The Booby Slayer follows a second later,again in a ballet outfit with rubber tiara then Bat Boy decked out gloriously in full pirate attire complete with stubble and an eye patch.I watch them all splash around in the water,their cries of delight echoing out into the neighbourhood.

I don't care.We just had to get out of the house.The kids were turning feral.I am going to make moulds out of the claw marks in the walls later.Maybe I can start my own Yeti hoax right here in Tokyo suburbia.There are only so many games of Connect 4 you can play before your own synaptic connectors start snapping.And it's probably not wise to brag that I can name and describe to a tee every character from the Guess Who? game.Don't even go there on Monopoly.....Lordy,do I need another swig of beer.The patio is one long,psychedelic,chalk,mosaic.I giggle to myself as I wonder what Rorschach would make out of all the bum bum,poo poo and monster shapes.Oh...or maybe I shouldn't as I peer a little more closely at the squiggles and dots here and there.I am in awe,transfixed as a dragonfly alights onto my chair's armrest.I marvel at how incredibly breath taking nature's brush is.Maybe she...I sense that she is a she....has been cooped up with three feral dragon babies all day and is having a bit of fresh air.

The patio door sliding open,along with the children's chirpy "Kaeri nasai" greetings,(Daddy.You are home!)heralds hubby's return. I swing my umbrella a little to the right to get a better view of him."Welcome home,my little samurai warrior.How was work today?Dinner's ready!"I coo,remembering to suck in my stomach."Lovey...it's pouring with rain,"laughs hubby."Why are you all outside in the pool?"Standing up,lifting my chair out of the pool and  up onto the balcony with one hand,"It was so hot and the kids and I were just losing it!"Hubby's face creases into a frown."Well,come on in and let's have dinner.It smells delicious.Did you cannibalise the onions in butter for a while,like I showed you?"he asks retreating to the kitchen."Yes,they were machete to death slowly and the ones that didn't die immediately were left to drown in boiling butter,"I replied throwing towels onto wriggling,giggling wee bodies. 

One Down...Fifty Billion More To Go....

"Hey! Hey! Come quick,"hubby shrieked causing us all to literally drop our first morning drinks and run panicked into the kitchen."They're everywhere...everywhere,"he continued to screech. He's working way too much,I think quietly to myself as I surreptitiously scan the walls for pink elephants or hairy spiders wearing tutus."Calm down,lovey"I comfort as to one of my children,"Who exactly is everywhere?" Just as I felt the first tiny itch on my foot...then another....then another.Looking down,at first it appeared as if the lino was swirling."Oh look! Ants,Mummy!"yelled Bat Boy in delight.Ants. What with all the screeching,I thought hubby might have inadvertently picked up the wrong briefcase at work and opened it this morning to find some human body part in it,wrapped in newspaper."Did you know about this?" interrogated hubby."Know?" I question."About the ants?" a smidgen too haughtily said for my liking."Oh yeah...."I sighed,"Two...maybe three days.I've decided to let them stay as I think they go nicely with the furnishings ....and they're great listeners."I swear I hear tiny screams as he brings his foot down savagely and takes out the equivalent of half the populous of Tokyo.Not one to be ignored my sarcasm sought new shores."Please can you sort this out.I hate ants." as He,the only practising Buddhist of the household,stomps his slippered feet down again....oops there goes Nakano.......and saunters out to the genkan,the dead and dying impaled on his heels.

I actually don't really mind ants.I mean,I wouldn't like to be tied down on a bed,smeared head to toe with honey and then have a few thousand of the little black critters set loose on me.And they don't taste too great on cereal either.Bit too crunchy for my liking but...in the grand scheme of things,there are a hell of a lot worse creepy stuff to contend with during the hot and humid summer months.Top of my cringe list are cockroaches.Now we are talking nasty...nasty...nasty.They are built like tanks.Built in sensors that  exceed any man made technology.They fly.They can live for ten years on a grain of sugar or something like that.You whack them with a slipper,spray enough poison on them to take out an elephant,suck them up high powered Dysons and they still live.If a deadly plague ravished the planet,only two things would survive....cockroaches and my MIL.I used to feel really bad about every cockroach I managed to kill.As I stood,watching it trying to scale the toilet bowl in one last futile attempt before I dropped the wad of loo paper and flushed it's body to oblivion,I felt a twinge of compassion for this creature.I mean after all,it was only trying to survive...just like me.Was it a Daddy?Out foraging for food with a Mummy and four little cockyroaches waiting apprehensively at home for his return.Maybe his youngest was the runt of the kids,born with deformed legs and not meant for this life long.Maybe this cockroach now cascading down through a watery tunnel to the seaside with absolutely no sunscreen on,was seeing it's whole life flashing before it.Would it's last flashback be of Tiny Cockroach's face peering through a window,lit up with joy at Daddy's return? Would other cockroaches in the community come running to help the widow and her young kids? What if one of the kids grew up to be a powerful leader in the cockroach world and vowed to bring down the murderer of his late beloved Dad?

" Mummy!"tugged Bat Boy at my arm,mercifully breaking my train of thought."I've got a great idea!Let's make an ant zoo,"he gushes holding up with pride his beetle box now revamped with a tiny pot of strawberry jam upon which a most impressive battle was being waged."I think that's a great idea," I smile,running my hand across his head."Why don't you put it in Daddy's reading room where they'll be safe."