Dem Bones, Dem Bones...Dem Broken Bones.

The Bat Twins went on a school field trip today. Getting up at six to prepare packed lunches is a delightful experience in itself. Getting up at six to prepare packed lunches with right foot, an overnight virtuoso in impersonating a lower limb with acute Elephantitus, was heavenly. Orgasmic even.

Hey!"calls hubby entering the room, waving the envelope I brought home from the clinic last night." What`s this?" I deftly toss pancakes onto the plates of my three little birds waiting impatiently with mouths agape. "Stuff from the clinic." I confirm. "What did the doctor say to you?"enquires hubby, guiding me gently to the sofa and displacing Fatso the Feline unceremoniously from his cushion throne. Clouds of hair rise in protest, mirroring Fatso`s mood. "Well..."I pondered while sustaining world peace at the kitchen table,"....he waffled on about something in  English..." Hubby looking down at a letter written by the doctor. "Did he mention something about meta.....metatarsals? Broken metatarsals?" I laughed."Yeah...I couldn't understand what he was going on about at first. But I reckoned he was chit chatting about music.Was into rock or something. I was a bit surprised. He doesn`t look the type. He didn`t seem impressed when I told him `Bon Jovi` rocked it for me actually!" With a great rolling of his eyes, "Love, you have broken and dislocated metatarsals in your foot. Broken bones!"

Poor right foot. I have let you down badly. Here was I cursing at you for your Prima Donna ways and the fault lies with me and my lack of medical Japanese lingo. Limb lost in translation. If there aren`t any flashing lights with sirens or electric shock pads involved, I tend to switch off until I can confer with hubby, on mutual linguistic ground on the diagnosis.

I remember, a few years back, going to a dentist  for a check up. I`d been having problems with one particular tooth . I understood most of  what the dentist, a lovely man, was saying until we arrived at the diagnosis. He tried so hard and patiently to explain but there I sat, bewilderment clouding my face. Off he rushed to a cupboard and enthusiastically brought a book over, fumbled through the pages then passed it to me proudly.

`Periodontal disease is a form of gum disease but more powerful and stronger.With no fast interruption, the tooth tissue rubs away and teeth drop out. (See Figure 1.1 and the Figure 1.2) The infectious people may sometime watch an `elongation` of the tooth due to gum withdrawal symptoms. The tooth look longer, but it is a hallucination to the viewer watching his mouth. Tooth expose itself more on daily way. Teeth look bad. Stingy breath is popular in such situations. Heart, liver, stomach may feel bad too. In severe case, teeth must be evacuated out of the aural area and reformed.`

Clutching my mouth and forgetting myself for a moment, I half  shout out in horror "Oh no!" upon which, Mr Dentist looking over my shoulder suddenly grabs the book and apologises. "Very sorry.Wrong page."      

Bum over Booby....

....down the stairs I tumbled. Bum bum over booby. The first night at a new job. Three minutes max and there I was causing kaos, concern and mayhem. Lying, spreadeagled at the bottom of the steps...head on the bottom step, legs four steps up, top positioned nicely to reveal a tum tum I would have been proud to bare a few years ago but now  resembling one of those tummies sported by a portly maidens you ogle in oil paintings in a gallery. Employer of a whole three minutes, shouting down if I was okay.

It has to be a record.

"What happened?" enquired Doc at the emergency clinic. "I fell down the stairs.",I answered in broken Japanese as it`s hard to compose a succinct sentence when your right foot is  the size of a football and throbbing harder than a speed junkie`s heart on a fix. Then felt the urge to add, just in case he assumed alcohol must be a factor at this time of night,...me being a mum and all."Work!"  He turned to me startled and half laughing asked," You job is falling down stairs?"

I laughed back. Logical conclusion perhaps as I only came to this very same clinic a few weeks ago and saw the very same doctor with my left foot swollen up like a football this time. Four years ago, I damaged my Achilles tendon. A nasty affair involving much gritting of teeth and profanity mouthed silently whenever the slightest weight was put down on that foot. It took me two hours to get to a nearby hospital  twenty minutes away, pushing the twins in the double stroller. By the time I got there, I swear I felt like one of those Red Indians depicted in the movies, who had ingested some magical herb and  transported onto on a higher plain with the pain. Doctor told me to not walk for a month,strapped up my foot,gave me a pair of crutches and sent me home.  There I was.......pushing the double stroller...one hop at a time on my crutches. On the way home, I paused at a set of traffic lights. My son , aged 2 at the time decided to test his strength and threw his sippy cup into some nearby bushes. Not yet used to balancing my weight with a badly injured foot, I fell over reaching for the cup and got the crutches tangled up in the foliage. Mobile phones hung out of a few waiting cars, clicking for prosperity the scene of one big foreign woman, upside down in a roadside bush shouting a few juicy words . Next day, the crutches were embarked on their quest to collect as much dust particles as possible and the no walking policy......Ho hum...


Unfortunately, not being able to follow the Doc`s orders  resulted in recurrent confrontations in the old Achilles tendon department. Only this very morning I remarked to hubby that my foot..the left one that is...was starting to feel better. Now here I am,in agony with the right one. Thank you,God for that at least.

"Why did you do this?" demanded hubby as I hobbled through the door stinking of `hospital`. "Well...," I paused for fake artistic impact," I thought as my left foot was finally getting better..rather than let life get a little tame, I`d just throw myself down a flight of stairs...for the sheer hell of it... and see what happens. In fact, my limbs were all doing `Rock,Scissors,Paper` to vie for that 15 minutes of `X-ray and  follow up doctor consultation` fame. The right foot won!" I shrug sarcastically which is totally lost on a disgusted hubby waving a cowering icepack.

He should be used to this by now. By `this` I mean `my life`. By `he`, I mean hubby.My family long ago resigned themselves to the fact that my life is full of weird, wonderful and sometimes incredibly vexing occurrences. My mum takes me on holiday to Greece....I end up in hospital,on a drip with severe sunburn on my face . The little girl in the hotel room next to ours actually ran off down the corridor screaming when she saw me. Another time, I leave hospital after recuperating from an illness.Only two hours later I dislocate my knee and end up back in hospital. The list goes on and on and on....

"Well,you certainly made a good first impression with your new employers," giggles hubby. Here to please...here to please. "What are you like!" he squeezes my knee. Well,I am like a girl with a huge swollen right foot just now.........

A Simple Misunderstanding.

I have three gorgeous kids..... who I don`t want to kill most of the time. Two of them are little Princesses. One a wee bit bigger than the other. The bigger Princess is graduating into the whole Barbie doll scene. A tad more sophisticated, I was informed haughtily  than the whole Disney Princess doll scene the smaller,chubbier Princess is currently lounging in. And lounge they do,my little Princess`s adopted `siblings`, Belle,Aurora,Ariel,Cinderella and Jasmine are to be found most nights on the sofa.Snuggled up to my hubby as he slurps his beer while watching the current season of `House`  in Japan. I did feel a tad threatened at first but they are all one man gals. Unlike that floozy Snow White who was shacked up with seven guys one time. Anyway....I digress....

During an episode of `House` one particular moment resulted in hubby, who was in the act of downing a particularly large gulp of beer, to burst into an abrupt  bout of boisterous hilarity, causing him to forcefully expel his mouth of all beer contents all over the sofa and his mini groupies. A calamitous situation indeed. Aurora looked as if she`d barfed all down herself, Belle`s mascara was starting to run, Jasmine looked like something from a wet T-shirt contest. I took off their tiny gowns and hand washed them,wiped the pert boobies with a bum wipe and brushed their hair back into place.

Wee Princess was not impressed the following morn. I explained that Daddy had accidentally `poured` beer on her little pals but their dresses had been taken off and were drying in a sunny breeze as we spoke.Babysitter arrives and off out I toddle.

A couple of hours later I return and whilst in the kitchen making the sitter a cuppa....what a nice employee I am...........I hear wee Princess sobbing her heart out. Concerned,I dropped teabag back into cup and into the next room to find ta concerned babysitter kneeling in front of my wee one.

Babysitter. "Who is Dolly

Wee Princess. "She`s my best friend!"....sniffle sniffle

Babysitter. "Where does she live?"

Wee Princess.  "Here. In Asagaya".

Babysitter. "What did your Daddy do again?"

Wee Princess. "Made her drink beer and took her dress off....." Breaks into huge sobs with tendrils of nasal mucus along for the sympathy.


I thank the heavens above that the lady concerned knows my husband and I otherwise only the Lordy knows where or what this could have led to......