Here I am. Enjoying `Barnaby` on Mystery Channel when I hear a crash from outside. Pulling a coat over my PJ's and crutches on either arm, I open the front door to see....
The Neighbour from the house opposite. Perched high up in a tree in his garden......sawing away at the branch of said tree.....So what you say. Ain`t a chap entitled to do a spot of gardening when he likes. Yes, so true but factor in a few points please. It`s raining. It`s after 10pm. He is wearing only a pair of boxer shorts......boxer shorts with a very unimpressed willy hanging out the front......I don`t think he realises the risk of frostbite in a rather delicate area.
He waved "Good Evening! Just trimming the tree!" I waved back and said "Nice weather for it" and hobbled back indoors.
When in Rome do as the Romans do. I didn`t see a thing. Not even a willy.
Showing posts with label Twin mummy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twin mummy. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 November 2010
The Invisible Something Or Other.
I wave a cheery "Good Morning!" to Madame Gomi ( Japanese for `rubbish`) Gestapo and turn to see next door neighbour staring intently at me. " There`s something different about you today!" she slides in between a yawn. " Have you lost the baby weight?" My baby is now the ripe old age of 3. I scan her face for a trace of that British trait I adore so much, sarcasm. The cupboard is bare. " No!" I reply pushing left crutch down to begin the Monroe cum Hunchback of Notre Dame hobble back to a warm, sugary cup of tea anxiously awaiting me on a tabletop. " Have you had your hair cut?" My gut reaction was to quickly round up the two greasy strands loitering over my right ear, back into the tatty scrunchy I`d herded my locks into earlier that morning. This was supposed to be an `out and in` job. Conversation wasn`t on the menu. Shaking her head,"I don`t know! Something is different about you today!" and strode off down the street, arms pumping air. `The something different about me` might have everything to do with the big white cast adorning my right foot and crutch accessories I now wear, non too proudly, around either elbow.
I can`t say I am surprised. Arriving home with my baby girl three years ago, a couple of neighbours raced over and asked me whose baby it was. Ermmmmm....mine! "You were pregnant!" Well, unless you do it differently over here, yes I was. Nine months of it. Four quite visibly. Or maybe, to the background euphony of spades hitting churchyard dirt, I should have informed them that actually, foreigners lay eggs. Two minutes to push it out then a few months of making sure the spot lamp is set at the right temperature. Less chance of stretch marks but watch out your husband doesn`t mistake your bub`s egg for a common garden chicken one or tragedy will ensue.
My husband doesn`t notice stuff like I do. I am by nature a people watcher anyway but he seriously doesn`t seem to be aware of his surroundings on the same level. Walking down a street,late at night..oh many years ago with a female friend. This middle-aged man suddenly stopped in front of us. Opened his briefcase to reveal an A3 colour photo of himself, taped to the inside of his briefcase. He was wearing only socks with those god awful suspender things. We stood, mouths agape as he deftly shut the case. Locked it. Bowed and uttered a sincere "Gomen nasai" (I am sorry for inconveniencing you!") and walked off into the crowds. Tens of people must have walked right past us with a clear view of his briefcase and it`s eye opening contents. My mate and I ended up going into yet another bar, hysterically giggling.
I can`t say I am surprised. Arriving home with my baby girl three years ago, a couple of neighbours raced over and asked me whose baby it was. Ermmmmm....mine! "You were pregnant!" Well, unless you do it differently over here, yes I was. Nine months of it. Four quite visibly. Or maybe, to the background euphony of spades hitting churchyard dirt, I should have informed them that actually, foreigners lay eggs. Two minutes to push it out then a few months of making sure the spot lamp is set at the right temperature. Less chance of stretch marks but watch out your husband doesn`t mistake your bub`s egg for a common garden chicken one or tragedy will ensue.
My husband doesn`t notice stuff like I do. I am by nature a people watcher anyway but he seriously doesn`t seem to be aware of his surroundings on the same level. Walking down a street,late at night..oh many years ago with a female friend. This middle-aged man suddenly stopped in front of us. Opened his briefcase to reveal an A3 colour photo of himself, taped to the inside of his briefcase. He was wearing only socks with those god awful suspender things. We stood, mouths agape as he deftly shut the case. Locked it. Bowed and uttered a sincere "Gomen nasai" (I am sorry for inconveniencing you!") and walked off into the crowds. Tens of people must have walked right past us with a clear view of his briefcase and it`s eye opening contents. My mate and I ended up going into yet another bar, hysterically giggling.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Saturday.........Shag Night.
Saturday is shag night in our house.I could use words like 'the time when we become as one throbbing soul,our spirits soaring high up with a bunch of whatyoumacallit birds'.....okay.... 'doves,as waves crash thunderously up on a beach and fireworks splatter the twilight sky with a million glittering stars' but since our three diamonds entered our lives,it's been more about windows of opportunity and logistics rather than ambiance.The nitty gritty.Unfortunately,windows of opportunity appear to have become as rare as a Yeti sighting in Tokyo so we decided to carve out in stone that one night be designated 'Shag Night'. I wanted to name it "Mr Eel Visits the Cave' in honour of the Japanese movie 'Sayuri' but hubby likes the British expression 'shag'.So I deferred graciously.
Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa". (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.
Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.
I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.
Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....
"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"
Children asleep in bed,I sat in complete rapture watching the new series of 'Spartacus',superimposing hubby into a scanty loincloth,brandishing a sword around the living room,covered in a squirt here and there of tomato ketchup.,just for that extra subtle touch of reality.No.ketchup would totally clash with the new green lingerie outfit I was wearing.Just as I was pondering on this dilemma,the door whizzes open and in strolls hubby.I jump up and assume my best pose to accentuate what assets I still have left,only to see another head bob through the door and a "O jama shimas.Gomen kudasai, Konbanwa". (I am sorry to disturb you! Good Evening!) shoots through the air.I yank my frilly nightgown over my boobies, magnificently though rather precariously presented in a latest V.S. contraption but not before hubby's work friend has had a front row view."Ii ne!"he praises,"Think I might do a divorce if this is reception a British wife do for her husband returning home!"I forcibly laugh along as I turn my head to glare at hubby.Hubby who is making sympathetic facial gestures and shrugging his shoulders in frustration."Just a couple of drinks,honey."mumbles hubby in my ear as they go into the den"He's having marriage problems." He's not the only bloody one,I hiss to myself as I flop sulkily out on the settee.God,even Spartacus has finished for the evening.
Three hours later,I can still hear his voice droning on.Not hubby but his work friend.I am on my second glass of wine.I can feel the booby sling wilting under the strain as my body heats up all those metal wires and stress fatigue starts to set in.I surf the channels.God,it's everywhere.Everyone is getting laid on the TV.I thought I could find sanctuary on Kids Animal Planet but even the pandas are at it.Totally undeterred by a crew of about eleven goggling vets making sure the whole 'procedure' goes smoothly.Even Cinderella on Disney Channel has just been reunited with her Prince and is off in the carriage for a night of pure unadulterated passion.Time for dire action.
I yank the door open to the den.Work friend's back is turned to me,hubby facing me and pull open my top exposing my boobies,"Do you need anything,honey,"then jerk my gown closed again just as work friend turns to me.In the kitchen,"I think I am going to have to decapitate him,"I state calmly to hubby,"It's the only way we're going to stop his tongue from moving around in his mouth...well,for a few hours until his head reattaches itself back of course." Hubby nods in agreement,"He's going in five." "Yeah,knowing him,five hours,"I grouse.
Finally alone,we embrace and the stars start to twinkle and wink down on us from the heavens when suddenly "Ow!"yelps hubby,jumping up and hopping around the room,one hand holding one calf."Cramp,"he apologises."A little massage,"I coo,cracking knuckle for effect.A cool breeze gently caresses our bodies."Arrghh!"shrieks hubby jumping off the futon."For God's sake!What now,"I screech,looking around the room."A cockroach,"wails hubby pointing at a wall.I turn to see the beast on the wall,completely motionless,hoping we won't see it. With lightening dexterity that only a rises out of great desire,I squatted it with one mighty slam of the futon beater.It didn't even have time to scream before it's body fell down to the floor.I threw it's carcass out into the garden,promising a decent burial with full honours the very next morning.Just call me Vlad.I swear I can hear a first firework being lit,as waves gain momentum and surge upon golden sands on a tropical beach somewhere....
"Mummy! Can I have a glass of water?"taps Bat Boy on my shoulder."Didn't you lock the door?"hubby hissing now."What are you doing,Mummy?"enquires Bat Boy through sleep heavy eyes as I take his hand."Oh...Daddy had muscle cramp,so I was giving him a massage."Bat Boy grunts sleepily."Taichi's mummy and daddy like to have massages too,Mummy.He told me about it." I sigh,"The lucky so and so........"
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