Dirty Dialogues For The Up And Coming Porn Star.

Don`t think I`ve ever met anyone so beautiful in real life. I must admit I do like the occasional ganders in the celebrity mags. I like to console myself that in all probability nobody really looks like that in the real world. So it was pretty distressing to open my door and find a real life, living and breathing goddess entering my genkan.

"I am sorry," Goddess breathed through perfectly pouty lips," I hope I am not late!"

"No,...not at all!" I replied, my eyeballs homing in on perfectly shaped eyebrows and luminescent skin. Wow. Even if I spent the next twenty years dining solely on produce grown directly outside of the Fukushima Dai Ichi nuclear plant gates, my skin would never glow like that. Oh God, did I check my `beauty spot` for errant hairs this morning? Where`s a stone? A big one I can go crawl under.

"So, Ms Goddess. Please tell me why you want to study English?"

"Well,"  she sighed, sliding me a coy glance," For my job..really."  For God`s sake. Get a bloody grip woman and stop staring at her like that. She`s going to think you are a closet lesbian.

"And what is your job?" I enquired.

"I am in the entertainment industry," She gushed as I made the appropriate `wow` responses. "And as I feel that you have a very wide mind, I`d like to tell you that I work in porn."

"Oh....,"  as my mind raced to find a pertinent answer. " Wow!" Yes. Wow! But what do porn stars talk about? In fact, doesn`t she know it`s rude to talk with your mouth full?  I have a ton of textbooks but none entitled `Dirty Dialogues For The Up and Coming Porn Star`. Throw me a new challenge and make my day.

"My stage name is **** *****," Goddess ventured on," Maybe you heard of me ?"

"Yes, I think I might ......." To which she smiled and gave a little satisfied shrug. Why the hell did I say that. My stock reply to anyone who tells me they had something published,something shown at  an exhibition, a small part on a TV ad. "Yes, I might have" sounds a lot better than "Never bloody heard of you!"  The only porn I`ve seen recently was when the kids accidentally switched onto the porn channel on cable TV. Luckily, it was just a few seconds of a close up of a woman`s face . I explained she was making those moaning noises as she was upset at her brother for smashing her latest Lego creation. Went down well. No more ado. All remote controls now child proofed. Please don`t ask me to critique your performance.

In my younger days, I dated a hunk of a guy with hair down to his waist. Total eye candy. The spell was broken every time he opened his mouth. God can giveth and God can taketh. He got a job touring with the `Strip-in-the-Dales`. A bit like The Chippendale's but up north of England.

" I want to branch out and my dream is to break into the American porn circuit," Goddess went on," So I want to improve my English and audition for bigger roles."

Wants meatier roles, I wrote down.

"Okay,! I grin," When do you want your first lesson?"

"You have terrific cheekbones," Benevolent Goddess praised.

"Well,...thank you!" I laughed in delight. Just a shame they are encased in 20 kilograms of unwanted padding with a control centre on top that likes to go awol on me.

There`s a lot more to this porn stuff than get your knickers off. They make it look easy but a lot of technique required. Wonder who Mrs Life will introduce me to next? It`s one giant learning curve....Bring it on,baby!