Just another day.....

...in the mortifying farce that is named `my life`.  After decades of mishaps and weird flukes, I am now convinced that some kind of conspiracy is amok.  The latest campaign has left me crouching on a stool, legs open wide, my considerable bottom hovering inches above the hand drier. Every few seconds, I wince in pain as one buttock drops precariously too near the hot air streaming out, which only serves to painfully reinforce the fact that  `Yes,this is really happening to me`.  Always look for the upbeat side of any situation, I think quietly to myself.  At least the steady stream of young office ladies bustling in and out of the restroom at peak lunch hour, are spraying enough perfume to mask the smell of singed cotton.  Hopefully, at this pace,enough perfume will  eventually be released to cause some kind of smog to build up, which might just hide the big foreigner squatted halfway up the wall on a stool over the automated hand drier.  The door crashes open and in struts my manageress, bewilderment hugging her features.  "I heard there was a foreign woman acting suspiciously in the ladies and I just knew it was you. Are you okay? What happened?"  Feeling empowered by her compassionate words and the fact that in my current position I was towering over all and sundry,  I began to explain how I came to be in this predicament.  I had arrived at work.  Gone directly to the restroom to attend to my makeup.  Whilst sat on the toilet, last night`s feast decided to forsake me and fearing noise pollution, I pressed the little button decorated with musical notes and `flush music` written next to it only to suddenly find myself being deluged with squirts from all angles.  I would rather spontaneously combust right there over the drier than walk into a room full of businessmen, from the sales dept no less, with a very obvious wet patch stretching across the...excuse me....crack of my bottom.Manageress totally empathised with my situation.

I have nothing against technology.  In any form.  It just doesn`t seem to like me.  Only earlier this morning, I eagerly unwrapped my new waterproof  Maybelline mascara.  In this heat, I need waterproof otherwise I end up looking like a drug addict after two hours.  As I positioned the `wand` near my top lashes,  anticipation running abound at the thought of luscious Monroe lashes like the gal pictured on the box, the thing suddenly started vibrating.  In my confusion, I accidentally stuck the whole wand into my eye.  Apparently, it has a battery installed and when you put pressure on by holding it,it vibrates to help even out the mascara as it coats your lashes.  Well, the mascara was most certainly waterproof, soap proof even impervious to the eye makeup remover that I bought with it.  By the time I`d scrubbed the stuff off my eyelids and eyebrows, I looked like Rocky after the big fight and even more problematic, I was late.

Taking it in my stride.....the Earth isn`t going to stop revolving,right....I reach for my IPhone.  The screen has locked.  No sweat, I`ll just call from the home phone...as I realise that all phone numbers are in...you guessed it...the IPhone. A definite machination.  Call me a loon, paranoid....... but the blisters are there to prove it.  On either side of my buttocks. "What have you done to your arse?" asks hubby, eyeing my knicker region suspiciously as he enters the house carrying a box.  " I snogged a hand drier today, I am that desperate," I calmly counter." I am busy tonight," sighs hubby," Have to read up on the new laptop." as he tows two large encyclopedias into the den.  Right now, I don`t wish for a cool beer...or a diamond anything.....I yearn for electronic stuff that only has an `off` and an `on` switch.  Okay,granted the computers of today aren`t the sizes of settees or televisions but whilst the actual machines have got smaller, the manuals and textbooks are more than making up for it.  By the time you`ve worked through the manual, the warranty has run out or a new, updated version has been launched out onto the market making your model almost obsolete.  Even mascara is becoming hi-tech.......