Tonto Rides Again In Asagaya.

Upon opening our door,I am pleasantly surprised to find one of our neighbours making a house call to........ well,our house.The temptation to gush "And to what do we owe this mighty honour?"squashed by the mere fact that my Japanese is sadly lacking in such lexicon.I had to make do with a simple."Good Evening! How can I help you?"only to find a newspaper suddenly shoved towards my face,emitting a most malodorous odour.Reeling back with disgust,I quickly assessed the genkan (porch) area for anything that could be used as a weapon to defend myself.Then remembering that husband was home,I called out to him.

He'd come bearing gifts.Not Myrrh,gold,rubies or even sembai......poo poo was his offering on this clammy evening.Yes,you read right.Poo poo....of the feline variety apparently.My mind quickly scanned it's database for any obscure festivals or rituals amongst the locals involving steaming lumps of poo poo.Summer........Tanabata.......portable shrines.....load of suicidal idiots riding on a giant tree trunk as it slides precariously down a steep hill but poo poo?An image of us all sat in the garden,dousing the newspaper with sake and setting it alight......slivers of blackened paper with you know what mingled in,wafting up to the heavens as we sang some ancient hymn to some long forgotten god cruised hazily through my mind.But,no! The search machine came back blank which as I looked,was the state of my husband's face as he listened on.

Apparently,one specific feline was responsible.Our cat had dared to sneak into his garden and without any planning permission,dug a hole and opened his bowels.Considerably looking at the pile dozing on the newspaper.I almost felt awe."Okay,"calmed my husband,"But how do you know it was our cat?"The villain of the piece was black and white.Our cat is black and white.....along with a hundred other beady eyed critters slinking along the garden walls at any given time."But...but..but...but...burrtt." protested neighbour way too much,"This cat was black and white and doesn't understand Japanese."Thinking that the cat and I had a lot more in common than I could ever have imagined,I looked to my husband who was desperately trying to keep his composure."I tell him to go away and he doesn't respond,"wailed neighbour,"I have to get the hose on him to shoo him out of my garden.Night and day,he's at it." My wee two year old struts past and suddenly punctuates the air with an uproarious bum burp that echoes my sentiments exactly. "Mummy,"shouts out my son from the sofa vicinity,"Tell him we're all bilingual in this house.Of course our cat understands Japanese!" I sigh.I'd always known Cat was bisexual but whether he was bilingual or not,I'd never really thought about it.

"Smell that."Neighbour continues,bringing the newspaper reverently like a giant silk cushion upon which crown jewels lie near to his face."You can tell a lot about someone's diet from sniffing their poo."To which,he ceremoniously takes a huge breath and nose a few inches from the fecal travesty inhales deeply.I've heard trackers say that every footprint tells a story but this is just getting totally sublime now.I check that the metal shoehorn is still within easy reach."Okay,"my husband bows to neighbour,"We apologise profusely for any inconvenience caused."Tonto the neighbour nods,as my husband races to the fridge in the kitchen and starts pulling out a few cans of beer.Don't you dare start without me,echoes around the inside of my skull,we'll all need a drink after this."You will talk to him,won't you?"enquires the neighbour of me."Talk to him?"I ask.Hand groping for the shoehorn."In English,please.So he understands."I laugh nervously,screaming inside for husband to get his gorgeous bottom back over Tonto...sorry pronto.Which he did,pushing three cans of beer onto the neighbour, bowing deeply and then closing our door.......not before I managed to call out "I am very sorry,Kemo Sabe."